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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There

WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to cast their ballots at the Woodlawn Library polling station reported that the voting booth was completely disgusting by the time they got there. “As soon as I walked in there I started to gag,” said voter Danielle Barnes, who had to sidestep a pile of soggy toilet paper, soiled diapers, used tampons, and pornographic magazines before she could even approach the Diebold AccuVote-TS machine, which was caked over with mud, crusted semen, and dried blood. “There was mayonnaise everywhere—someone definitely ate a meal in there and then smeared mayonnaise on the wall. I also saw a couple hypodermic needles, and there was some sort of brownish, yellowish grease covering the floor. These people are animals.” Barnes later admitted that she did end up urinating in the corner of the booth before casting her vote.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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