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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There

WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to cast their ballots at the Woodlawn Library polling station reported that the voting booth was completely disgusting by the time they got there. “As soon as I walked in there I started to gag,” said voter Danielle Barnes, who had to sidestep a pile of soggy toilet paper, soiled diapers, used tampons, and pornographic magazines before she could even approach the Diebold AccuVote-TS machine, which was caked over with mud, crusted semen, and dried blood. “There was mayonnaise everywhere—someone definitely ate a meal in there and then smeared mayonnaise on the wall. I also saw a couple hypodermic needles, and there was some sort of brownish, yellowish grease covering the floor. These people are animals.” Barnes later admitted that she did end up urinating in the corner of the booth before casting her vote.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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