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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing

WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race, sources confirmed Monday. Conducted by Ipsos, Gallup, Public Policy Polling, and Rasmussen, the pretty much meaningless polls reportedly offered no deep insight into any key demographic in the United States and, when it comes down to it, were all basically pointless and a waste of everyone’s time. In addition, a CBS News/New York Times poll and an ABC News/Washington Post poll both showed essentially the same thing because, well, if the two polls are ultimately nothing more than ephemera, officials said, then there really isn’t much difference between the hollow findings of one and the other, now, is there? Moreover, a CNN Poll of Polls confirmed nothing concrete except for the fact that 100 percent of people who clicked on the headline linking to the poll’s results will never get back the three minutes of their lives they spent reading about nothing.

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