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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing

WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race, sources confirmed Monday. Conducted by Ipsos, Gallup, Public Policy Polling, and Rasmussen, the pretty much meaningless polls reportedly offered no deep insight into any key demographic in the United States and, when it comes down to it, were all basically pointless and a waste of everyone’s time. In addition, a CBS News/New York Times poll and an ABC News/Washington Post poll both showed essentially the same thing because, well, if the two polls are ultimately nothing more than ephemera, officials said, then there really isn’t much difference between the hollow findings of one and the other, now, is there? Moreover, a CNN Poll of Polls confirmed nothing concrete except for the fact that 100 percent of people who clicked on the headline linking to the poll’s results will never get back the three minutes of their lives they spent reading about nothing.

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