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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas

INDIANAPOLIS—Just over one year since Ron Artest climbed into the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills and took a swing at a fan, resulting in a suspension, a fine, and an empty stocking, the Pacers forward said that he has learned from his mistakes, and knows that any misstep on or off the court during the 2005 holiday season could severely hurt his chances of getting that pony he's been asking for. "Last year, I let my emotions get the best of me—I let down my teammates, my fans, my family, myself, and Santa," Artest said. "Now that I know I'm being watched and scrutinized, I'm going to make an extra-special effort to be nice, whether it means keeping my temper in check during an in-game flare-up, or helping do chores around the house. It's the only way to earn back the respect I need to get Princess." Artest added that after Christmas, any critics, opponents, or fans "better be on their best behavior," as he is making a New Year's resolution to punch someone.
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