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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.

"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."

Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an  attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.

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