adBlockCheck

Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.

"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."

Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an  attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close