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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow

CHERRY HILL, NJ—Upon learning that you cannot go swimming with everyone else because you left your bathing suit at home, local pool owner Gary McGill, 41, offered to loan you some swim trunks that have touched his penis countless times, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, don’t worry about it—out in the pool house I’ve got an extra pair whose thin, absorbent netting has tightly cupped my genitalia on many occasions,” said McGill, adding that he had been lending the swimsuit out to guests all summer and that it was really no trouble at all. “Yep, go in there and look for the orange ones that always cling to my wet, bare ass and have to be peeled off when I’m done. They’ve been rubbing right up against my penis and the penises of several other people for the past two months. I’ll see you in the pool, buddy!” At press time, reports confirmed you had chosen to go swimming with your groin enmeshed in a garment full of someone else’s scrotal skin cells.

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