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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow

CHERRY HILL, NJ—Upon learning that you cannot go swimming with everyone else because you left your bathing suit at home, local pool owner Gary McGill, 41, offered to loan you some swim trunks that have touched his penis countless times, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, don’t worry about it—out in the pool house I’ve got an extra pair whose thin, absorbent netting has tightly cupped my genitalia on many occasions,” said McGill, adding that he had been lending the swimsuit out to guests all summer and that it was really no trouble at all. “Yep, go in there and look for the orange ones that always cling to my wet, bare ass and have to be peeled off when I’m done. They’ve been rubbing right up against my penis and the penises of several other people for the past two months. I’ll see you in the pool, buddy!” At press time, reports confirmed you had chosen to go swimming with your groin enmeshed in a garment full of someone else’s scrotal skin cells.

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