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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Pool-Safety Tips

Summer is drawing to a close, but there are still a few weeks left to make a splash at your local swimming pool. Here's how to make the experience safe and fun:

  • Never dive head-first into the shallow end of an empty pool.
  • Your body is 70 percent water, so don't worry: Even if you were to drown, only 30 percent of you would die.
  • Leave a drowned squirrel floating in the pool as a reminder of what can happen when one isn't careful, and is a squirrel.
  • Remember, you can't leave young children unsupervised around the pool, the way you do in the house.
  • Don't drink and drive while swimming.
  • Important: "Water wings" flotation devices should be placed around a child's arms, never his or her ankles.
  • Don't swim in the end of the pool where unscrupulous Japanese commercial whalers are using gill nets and explosive harpoons.
  • Don't buy into all that skin-cancer, suntan-lotion, SPF bullshit. It's just a bunch of scientifically verified propaganda from the Coppertone Corporation.
  • Do not run around the pool. Unless your cousin is trying to pull down your bathing suit, or the concession stand just opened and you really want a hot dog.
  • No daughter of mine is going out in public with a swimsuit like that, if she knows what's good for her.
  • Make lots of friends at the pool. That way, if you start drowning, everyone will try to save you. It rules!
  • It's a fact: Many drownings take place in only a few feet of water. So you don't even need a pool, really.
  • If you're gonna do a cannonball, you gotta yell "Cannonball!" It's tradition.

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