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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee

STOCKTON, CA—While purchasing a single ticket to see a Monday afternoon screening of the Will Smith film After Earth, poor son of a bitch Evan Whitfield, 38, was reportedly forced to take a load of shit from a theater employee for wanting to see the commercially unsuccessful science-fiction movie. “Wow, you’re actually willing to put yourself through this—you know it’s not too late to change your mind, right?” said the 19-year-old ticket clerk, who reportedly had to act like an asshole about it rather than just hand Whitfield his ticket and let him watch a movie. “You know, I better go make sure they actually fire up the projector this time—I think they’ve taken the last few days off. Good luck finding a seat in there, buddy!” At press time, Whitfield was sitting alone in the movie theater while being mercilessly mocked by the employee sweeping the floors.

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