Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

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GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self

Shelham, who is somehow not nauseous with remorse and embarrassment, in her cubicle.
Shelham, who is somehow not nauseous with remorse and embarrassment, in her cubicle.

LOS ANGELES—According to reports, 29-year-old online commentator Caroline Shelham is somehow not completely ashamed of her own well-established identity as a "pop culture expert."

Shelham, who spends 10 hours every day consuming news updates on various entertainers and then commenting on their activities on an entertainment website, has reportedly shown no signs of humiliation or self-hatred over the way she spends the bulk of her time, and is also apparently not disgusted by the fact that this is actually what she does with her life.

"Basically, I like to look at what's going on in pop culture and comment on it with a sort of fresh, wry voice," said Shelham, who by all accounts still possesses the ability to look at herself in the mirror every morning. "I try to find things that I think are really lame and vacuous and then just tear them apart."

"I guess I see my role as being like an arbiter of what sucks and what doesn't in the world of show biz," added Shelham, seemingly under the sad impression that her work or existence has a meaningful use to society or the human race. "Somebody's got to do it."

According to Shelham, this week alone she has penned what she refers to with a straight face as "news stories" about the separation of actors Courteney Cox and David Arquette; a photograph of the singer Rihanna wearing a new outfit; and an advertisement for an upcoming episode of a television sitcom, all of which she was surprisingly willing to take credit for having written and disseminated.

She also composed a scathing, 800-word critique of the upcoming motion picture Burlesque that she suggested, with actual pride, was "some of [her] best work."

"I'm sorry, but it might be just about time for [Burlesque actress] Cher to go away now," wrote Shelham, who does not seem to find anything self-degrading in the fact that she earns a living by deriding people she does not, nor will ever, know. "I know you're doing your best to make us forget that we actually found you charming in Moonstruck, but let's just call it a day already, shall we?"

Shelham—the daughter of a small business owner and a retired nurse who paid for her to attend a liberal arts college—recently spent a large portion of what in her mind is somehow a day's work creating an itemized list entitled "10 Things I Hate About This Season Of Dancing With The Stars" that she accepted money for writing and allowed to be published without apologizing to her loved ones for the despicable action.

She was also among the first to find out that Ian Ziering is expecting a baby—a fact that she remains inexplicably proud of having learned nearly 14 hours before the general public.

"Why in the name of God would anybody even pay attention to Jessica Simpson anymore?" she recently asked without any sudden pangs of overwhelming regret or self-loathing. "I think it's high time somebody told her that nobody cares."

Though Shelham is an actual human being, her choice to intentionally put effort toward commenting on actor Kelsey Grammer's love life and the televised interactions of a group of New Jersey twentysomethings has evidently not caused her to contemplate the act of suicide.

"Say what you will about Perez Hilton's tackiness, but you have to respect what he's built," she said. "You know, I did a parody of him once? Kim Kardashian re-tweeted it."