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Pop Stars To Consolidate

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

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