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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Pop-Up To Second-Baseman Reminds Sportswriter Of Relationship With Father

NEW YORK—A Shane Victorino popout caught by Cubs second-baseman Ryan Theriot this past September compelled sportswriter Roger Angell to write a 1,500-word essay about his relationship with his father. "He hobbled up to the batter's box, the bat his crutch, his only means of support, the one thing in this world that can make you look like both a hero and a fool, and he uncoiled his muscles in a mechanically sound swing not unlike the one he produced last night and the night before," Angell wrote in his essay entitled Pine-Tar Heart. "And from that mighty cut, a white egg tumbled from the heavens back into its safe leather nest, resistant to flying away and leaving the men who love it and need it. Only in baseball and fatherhood can a swing so utterly well-intended and so utterly perfectly orchestrated fail so utterly in its attempt to produce the desired results." The essay will appear in Angell's forthcoming compilation of baseball writings, Diamonds Are Forever, which also includes a novella that compares every botched double play from the 2006 season to his recent divorce.

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