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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank

VATICAN CITY—Just hours after announcing his resignation from the papacy Monday, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed that he had accepted a lucrative senior analyst position at a New York–based Catholic think tank, the Westchester Institute for Ethics and the Human Person. “My years at the Vatican have been tremendously rewarding, but the time has come for me to move on to new challenges, and after interviewing for a variety of different positions, the senior analyst job at the Westchester Institute seemed like the natural next step for my career,” said the 85-year-old Benedict, whose extensive résumé reportedly begins with the line “Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of Apostles, 2005-2013.” “With my experience, I believe I can bring a unique perspective to today’s most important policy debates, whether it’s opposing homosexual behavior or denouncing the use of contraception in AIDS-stricken nations. I look forward to getting started this March.” Benedict added that he plans to maintain a good relationship with his soon-to-be former employer, just in case any worthwhile positions open up in the future.

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