adBlockCheck

Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank

VATICAN CITY—Just hours after announcing his resignation from the papacy Monday, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed that he had accepted a lucrative senior analyst position at a New York–based Catholic think tank, the Westchester Institute for Ethics and the Human Person. “My years at the Vatican have been tremendously rewarding, but the time has come for me to move on to new challenges, and after interviewing for a variety of different positions, the senior analyst job at the Westchester Institute seemed like the natural next step for my career,” said the 85-year-old Benedict, whose extensive résumé reportedly begins with the line “Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of Apostles, 2005-2013.” “With my experience, I believe I can bring a unique perspective to today’s most important policy debates, whether it’s opposing homosexual behavior or denouncing the use of contraception in AIDS-stricken nations. I look forward to getting started this March.” Benedict added that he plans to maintain a good relationship with his soon-to-be former employer, just in case any worthwhile positions open up in the future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close