Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

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Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Fat-Free Frenzy

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Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since his canonization God has not spoken a word to him.

"You know what? God ain't said shit to me. Ever," the Pope told Il Figaro reporter Giuseppe Mazzoli. "Not one lousy word. Seventy-six years I'm bustin' my hump for this mysterious Divine One, and still it's like, 'John Paul who?' Christ."

"Just last week," the Pope continued, "I underwent a difficult appendectomy. You'd certainly think the Lord would call to wish me well, right? He didn't so much as send a card. What a dick."

In the interview, a discussion of the changing face of Catholicism on the eve of the 21st century, the Pope said, "It appears that as God guides us through this modern era, more difficult questions arise... questions requiring more complex answers. But then again, why the hell should I even bother looking for the answers when the guy hasn't said one word to me?"

According to Mazzoli, when he asked the Pope if he believed the Lord is in us all, he "opened his mouth as if about to answer, then furrowed his brow in deep thought and suddenly blurted out, 'You know what, Mazzoli? Don't even talk to me about God. I don't want to hear it.'"

The Pope then threw a chair across the room and stormed off.

According to Pope John Paul II, God has been acting like "a real dick lately."

Despite his current frustrations with God, the Pope has no intention of stepping down from his position as leader of the world's approximately one billion Catholics.

"No way," said the Pope, who lives in a cathedral and is doted on by an army of servants who attend to his every need. "This is sweet living."

The Pope is served three gourmet meals a day, each served on priceless, solid-silver dinnerware hand-made by Michelangelo in 1537. He enjoys a nine-foot-wide, Turkish-style marble bath with solid gold fixtures that flow with pure spring water imported from the Italian mountains.

"God, I can live without, but I ain't giving up this gig for nothing," the Pope said in an official Church decree. "I got it made here."

The Pope does almost no work throughout the day, but on a whim he can demand private audiences with heads of state and religious leaders all over the world, all of whom kiss his hand in a symbolic show of respect and listen carefully to his every word.

"I suppose I'm supposed to be reflecting and shit," the Pope said. "And I guess I am reflecting. I'm reflecting on how fucking awesome my life is."

The Pope has cancelled his upcoming three-week visit to Central and South America in order to roll around naked in a giant pile of Spanish doubloons.

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