adBlockCheck

Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since his canonization God has not spoken a word to him.

"You know what? God ain't said shit to me. Ever," the Pope told Il Figaro reporter Giuseppe Mazzoli. "Not one lousy word. Seventy-six years I'm bustin' my hump for this mysterious Divine One, and still it's like, 'John Paul who?' Christ."

"Just last week," the Pope continued, "I underwent a difficult appendectomy. You'd certainly think the Lord would call to wish me well, right? He didn't so much as send a card. What a dick."

In the interview, a discussion of the changing face of Catholicism on the eve of the 21st century, the Pope said, "It appears that as God guides us through this modern era, more difficult questions arise... questions requiring more complex answers. But then again, why the hell should I even bother looking for the answers when the guy hasn't said one word to me?"

According to Mazzoli, when he asked the Pope if he believed the Lord is in us all, he "opened his mouth as if about to answer, then furrowed his brow in deep thought and suddenly blurted out, 'You know what, Mazzoli? Don't even talk to me about God. I don't want to hear it.'"

The Pope then threw a chair across the room and stormed off.

According to Pope John Paul II, God has been acting like "a real dick lately."

Despite his current frustrations with God, the Pope has no intention of stepping down from his position as leader of the world's approximately one billion Catholics.

"No way," said the Pope, who lives in a cathedral and is doted on by an army of servants who attend to his every need. "This is sweet living."

The Pope is served three gourmet meals a day, each served on priceless, solid-silver dinnerware hand-made by Michelangelo in 1537. He enjoys a nine-foot-wide, Turkish-style marble bath with solid gold fixtures that flow with pure spring water imported from the Italian mountains.

"God, I can live without, but I ain't giving up this gig for nothing," the Pope said in an official Church decree. "I got it made here."

The Pope does almost no work throughout the day, but on a whim he can demand private audiences with heads of state and religious leaders all over the world, all of whom kiss his hand in a symbolic show of respect and listen carefully to his every word.

"I suppose I'm supposed to be reflecting and shit," the Pope said. "And I guess I am reflecting. I'm reflecting on how fucking awesome my life is."

The Pope has cancelled his upcoming three-week visit to Central and South America in order to roll around naked in a giant pile of Spanish doubloons.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close