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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since his canonization God has not spoken a word to him.

"You know what? God ain't said shit to me. Ever," the Pope told Il Figaro reporter Giuseppe Mazzoli. "Not one lousy word. Seventy-six years I'm bustin' my hump for this mysterious Divine One, and still it's like, 'John Paul who?' Christ."

"Just last week," the Pope continued, "I underwent a difficult appendectomy. You'd certainly think the Lord would call to wish me well, right? He didn't so much as send a card. What a dick."

In the interview, a discussion of the changing face of Catholicism on the eve of the 21st century, the Pope said, "It appears that as God guides us through this modern era, more difficult questions arise... questions requiring more complex answers. But then again, why the hell should I even bother looking for the answers when the guy hasn't said one word to me?"

According to Mazzoli, when he asked the Pope if he believed the Lord is in us all, he "opened his mouth as if about to answer, then furrowed his brow in deep thought and suddenly blurted out, 'You know what, Mazzoli? Don't even talk to me about God. I don't want to hear it.'"

The Pope then threw a chair across the room and stormed off.

According to Pope John Paul II, God has been acting like "a real dick lately."

Despite his current frustrations with God, the Pope has no intention of stepping down from his position as leader of the world's approximately one billion Catholics.

"No way," said the Pope, who lives in a cathedral and is doted on by an army of servants who attend to his every need. "This is sweet living."

The Pope is served three gourmet meals a day, each served on priceless, solid-silver dinnerware hand-made by Michelangelo in 1537. He enjoys a nine-foot-wide, Turkish-style marble bath with solid gold fixtures that flow with pure spring water imported from the Italian mountains.

"God, I can live without, but I ain't giving up this gig for nothing," the Pope said in an official Church decree. "I got it made here."

The Pope does almost no work throughout the day, but on a whim he can demand private audiences with heads of state and religious leaders all over the world, all of whom kiss his hand in a symbolic show of respect and listen carefully to his every word.

"I suppose I'm supposed to be reflecting and shit," the Pope said. "And I guess I am reflecting. I'm reflecting on how fucking awesome my life is."

The Pope has cancelled his upcoming three-week visit to Central and South America in order to roll around naked in a giant pile of Spanish doubloons.

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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