adBlockCheck

International

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since his canonization God has not spoken a word to him.

"You know what? God ain't said shit to me. Ever," the Pope told Il Figaro reporter Giuseppe Mazzoli. "Not one lousy word. Seventy-six years I'm bustin' my hump for this mysterious Divine One, and still it's like, 'John Paul who?' Christ."

"Just last week," the Pope continued, "I underwent a difficult appendectomy. You'd certainly think the Lord would call to wish me well, right? He didn't so much as send a card. What a dick."

In the interview, a discussion of the changing face of Catholicism on the eve of the 21st century, the Pope said, "It appears that as God guides us through this modern era, more difficult questions arise... questions requiring more complex answers. But then again, why the hell should I even bother looking for the answers when the guy hasn't said one word to me?"

According to Mazzoli, when he asked the Pope if he believed the Lord is in us all, he "opened his mouth as if about to answer, then furrowed his brow in deep thought and suddenly blurted out, 'You know what, Mazzoli? Don't even talk to me about God. I don't want to hear it.'"

The Pope then threw a chair across the room and stormed off.

According to Pope John Paul II, God has been acting like "a real dick lately."

Despite his current frustrations with God, the Pope has no intention of stepping down from his position as leader of the world's approximately one billion Catholics.

"No way," said the Pope, who lives in a cathedral and is doted on by an army of servants who attend to his every need. "This is sweet living."

The Pope is served three gourmet meals a day, each served on priceless, solid-silver dinnerware hand-made by Michelangelo in 1537. He enjoys a nine-foot-wide, Turkish-style marble bath with solid gold fixtures that flow with pure spring water imported from the Italian mountains.

"God, I can live without, but I ain't giving up this gig for nothing," the Pope said in an official Church decree. "I got it made here."

The Pope does almost no work throughout the day, but on a whim he can demand private audiences with heads of state and religious leaders all over the world, all of whom kiss his hand in a symbolic show of respect and listen carefully to his every word.

"I suppose I'm supposed to be reflecting and shit," the Pope said. "And I guess I am reflecting. I'm reflecting on how fucking awesome my life is."

The Pope has cancelled his upcoming three-week visit to Central and South America in order to roll around naked in a giant pile of Spanish doubloons.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close