POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.
VATICAN CITY—Only a year after ascending to the papacy, Pope Benedict XVI is appealing the College of Cardinals for a name change. "Benedict is serviceable enough, but I did not consider the ease of it being shortened to 'Ben' by impudent dignitaries such as Bono, nor did I foresee the difficulties it would pose whenever I ordered eggs," the former Cardinal Ratzinger said Monday. "I obviously wouldn't go with John Paul or Pius. Boniface is a non-starter, but there is precedent for a Pope Lando, Corwin, or Marcellus." The pope admitted that when he chose his papal name he was mostly concerned with avoiding the nickname "Nazinger."