PALM BEACH, FL—Noting that it had already been there for almost two weeks, Mar-a-Lago assistant manager Chris Mahoney reportedly wondered Monday if anyone was coming to collect the nuclear briefcase from the club’s lost-and-found.
VATICAN CITY—Only a year after ascending to the papacy, Pope Benedict XVI is appealing the College of Cardinals for a name change. "Benedict is serviceable enough, but I did not consider the ease of it being shortened to 'Ben' by impudent dignitaries such as Bono, nor did I foresee the difficulties it would pose whenever I ordered eggs," the former Cardinal Ratzinger said Monday. "I obviously wouldn't go with John Paul or Pius. Boniface is a non-starter, but there is precedent for a Pope Lando, Corwin, or Marcellus." The pope admitted that when he chose his papal name he was mostly concerned with avoiding the nickname "Nazinger."