adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Died As He Lived: Propped Up For Public Viewing

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II—whose tremendous faith, courage, and ability to be positioned inspired millions of Catholics worldwide—died this week as he lived: propped up for public viewing. "Whether wedged into the glass confines of his custom-made vehicle or placed, often unknowingly, on the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica, Pope John Paul was a stirring symbol of peace, beloved for being put on display before thousands of adoring followers," Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger said Thursday. "While Pope John Paul II, the man, may have passed on, we must never forget what he, with the help of assistants gripping him by the upper arms, stood for." To the faithful, Pope John Paul II was a figurehead who can never be replaced, except by whichever figurehead is chosen to stand in his place.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close