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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Pope Died As He Lived: Propped Up For Public Viewing

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II—whose tremendous faith, courage, and ability to be positioned inspired millions of Catholics worldwide—died this week as he lived: propped up for public viewing. "Whether wedged into the glass confines of his custom-made vehicle or placed, often unknowingly, on the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica, Pope John Paul was a stirring symbol of peace, beloved for being put on display before thousands of adoring followers," Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger said Thursday. "While Pope John Paul II, the man, may have passed on, we must never forget what he, with the help of assistants gripping him by the upper arms, stood for." To the faithful, Pope John Paul II was a figurehead who can never be replaced, except by whichever figurehead is chosen to stand in his place.

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