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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Pope Francis Concerned About Infection From Holy Spirit Bite

VATICAN CITY—Roughly 48 hours after being bitten by the Holy Spirit, Pope Francis expressed concern that the wound inflicted by the unveiled Epiphany of God had become infected, Vatican sources reported Tuesday. “The little bastard only nipped me, but now it’s all swollen,” the Pope said, gingerly cradling his tender left arm, which had started to exhibit a pattern of inflamed crucifixes beneath the surface of the skin. “You can’t be too careful around that chippy fucker. I was just trying to feed it, and bam! Took a good chunk out of an archbishop last week, too, and he had to get, like, 30 shots.” The pontiff went on to say he might try dumping the Holy Spirit off at the Eastern Orthodox Church in Constantinople or just leave open the door to St. Peter’s Basilica and hope it runs off.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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