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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Pope Francis Kills 3 Hours Milling Around Atlanta Airport During Layover To D.C.

ATLANTA—Surveying the variety of travel pillows and support cushions as he browsed through a Brookstone in Concourse D, Pope Francis reportedly killed three hours Monday milling around the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport during a layover to Washington, D.C. “I was just going to grab something at Panda Express, but then I figured since I have so much time, I might as well head to the next concourse and check out the food options there,” said the Vicar of Christ, who confirmed that he spent 20 minutes seated at a food court table people-watching before strolling through the terminal and window-shopping at Headphone Hub, Sunglass Icon, and Savannah’s Candy Kitchen. “I’m definitely going to swing by Hudson News before my flight and grab a bottle of water and maybe a bag of Bugles or a Kind bar. That new Clive Cussler book looks pretty good, too, so I might pick that up to read on the plane.” At press time, sources confirmed Pope Francis had lost track of the time and was frantically running across the terminal to catch his flight.


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