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Best Of September 2015

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky

PEPIN, WI—Taking care to restore the bird to its natural habitat in a timely manner, ethical hunter Rick Streeter threw a mallard duck back into the sky Monday shortly after shooting it, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Pope Francis Kills 3 Hours Milling Around Atlanta Airport During Layover To D.C.

ATLANTA—Surveying the variety of travel pillows and support cushions as he browsed through a Brookstone in Concourse D, Pope Francis reportedly killed three hours Monday milling around the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport during a layover to Washington, D.C. “I was just going to grab something at Panda Express, but then I figured since I have so much time, I might as well head to the next concourse and check out the food options there,” said the Vicar of Christ, who confirmed that he spent 20 minutes seated at a food court table people-watching before strolling through the terminal and window-shopping at Headphone Hub, Sunglass Icon, and Savannah’s Candy Kitchen. “I’m definitely going to swing by Hudson News before my flight and grab a bottle of water and maybe a bag of Bugles or a Kind bar. That new Clive Cussler book looks pretty good, too, so I might pick that up to read on the plane.” At press time, sources confirmed Pope Francis had lost track of the time and was frantically running across the terminal to catch his flight.


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