adBlockCheck

International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt

VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated bishop of Rome while rifling through the final resting place of holy pontiffs, crawling on his hands and knees on the crypt floor to peek under the reliquary of Saint Peter. “I found all the eggs tucked away in the Pietà, the tabernacle, and confessional, and the one I hid in the hands of the embalmed body of Pope John XXIII, so the last Easter egg has got to be down here somewhere.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly filled with disgust after rolling up the sleeves of his cassock, reaching into Leo X’s coffin, and touching the putrefied remains of an egg from 2016.

More from this section

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close