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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow

AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of Rome, pausing briefly to splash his face with holy water before continuing the workout by trudging through waist-high snow while shouldering a heavy wooden crucifix. “Come on— focus, Jorge. You gotta keep fighting. You can withstand the pain and fatigue. Your body, mind, and soul are getting stronger. Just a few more days until the Resurrection. All this work’s going to pay off when you’re up there on that balcony at St. Peter’s.” At press time, sources confirmed His Holiness had switched to an uptempo song on the mix of Easter hymns playing through his earbuds and began speed training by bobbing and weaving around a swinging thurible.


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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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