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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow

AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of Rome, pausing briefly to splash his face with holy water before continuing the workout by trudging through waist-high snow while shouldering a heavy wooden crucifix. “Come on— focus, Jorge. You gotta keep fighting. You can withstand the pain and fatigue. Your body, mind, and soul are getting stronger. Just a few more days until the Resurrection. All this work’s going to pay off when you’re up there on that balcony at St. Peter’s.” At press time, sources confirmed His Holiness had switched to an uptempo song on the mix of Easter hymns playing through his earbuds and began speed training by bobbing and weaving around a swinging thurible.


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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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