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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Pope Francis Wears Miter With Faceshield To Comply With New Vatican Safety Measures

VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards. “When presiding over mass in one of our holy facilities, the pope is required at all times to wear a miter fitted with a heavy-duty, splash-resistant visor, which safeguards the eyes and face against everything from contaminated holy water to flying sparks from a swinging thurible,” said Cardinal Angelo Sandri, who noted that the shield was designed with a hinge along the brow, offering full facial protection while still allowing His Holiness to swivel the visor away from his face when he needs to drink from the Communion chalice or kiss the feet of the poor. “It might be a little uncomfortable to wear during long papal audiences, but all it takes is one stray metal shard or evil spirit and the Vicar of Christ is blinded for life.” Vatican sources confirmed that the new wardrobe requirement was spurred by a 2015 incident in which the pope had four teeth knocked out by an errant host.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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