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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God

VATICAN CITY—Expressing his frustration with ongoing tensions at work, Pope Francis admitted Tuesday that he had started worrying about his job security after repeatedly butting heads with the new God. “At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a dick. He’s tried to put His own stamp on the church by demanding big changes right off the bat. And guess who gets to communicate that to the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics? Me.” The pope added that while he was doing his best to get along with the new God, he had recently sent out his résumé to several other prominent faiths.

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