adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

Pope Insanity MXLV.
Pope Insanity MXLV.

VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly darkened the Vatican City sky as Catholic Church officials announced that the College of Cardinals had ended their two-day session and selected Pope Insanity MXLV.

Moments after the announcement, the newly named Pope Insanity MXLV abruptly materialized on the St. Peter’s balcony to an applauding crowd gathered below, and then raised his arms and emitted a piercing, high-pitched shriek as blood streamed down his forehead and thick smoke swirled around his body.

Sources confirmed that after five minutes of complete silence, Insanity then clicked his tongue violently, calling hundreds of ravens, eagles, and vultures to surround the balcony and land upon him.

“Here now begins the dawning of a new era for the Catholic Church,” Insanity said, pausing again briefly as a swarm of hornets suddenly spewed out of his open mouth and flew into the Vatican City crowd. “This is the birth of a new Catholicism, one born from the darkness of the old and the madness of the new. Gleaming slivers slipping blackly o’er frosted bone and chiming fuckly kill the beast the smiling dog amen amen.”

“Incurvasti in fronte mihi, mi legiones,” Insanity then screamed, while scratching furiously at his genitals. “Incurvasti!”

As a black liquid slowly oozed from his nose, Insanity then dismissed half the audience to gather steel, wood, and rocks and bring them into St. Peter’s Square, instructing the remaining half to gouge their eyes out immediately with a dull knife and await the “silent coming of the ivory snake, he breathes, he breathes.”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Insanity said, shaking as the fabric of space and time seemed to bend around him in undulating waves of light, color, and sound. “Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Insanity added.

Sources reported that, as Insanity’s body repeatedly disappeared and rematerialized in different locations in St. Peter’s Square, the new pope’s skin then seemingly melted from his body, leaving nothing but a hollow gray skeleton.

Pope Insanity MXLV’s glowing flesh then immediately began to reform over the bones, sources confirmed.

“I’m very excited about the changes that Pope Insanity was talking about for the church,” said audience member and devout Catholic Bonnie Jenkins, as blood and pus poured down from her ears. “I mean, I thought the things he was saying about my body burning amid the skins of a thousand orphans and then reforming into a charging black stallion were a very interesting take on Church doctrine.”

“I think this will be very good for the church,” added Jenkins, before being gripped in the talons of a now flying Pope Insanity MXLV, carried to the top of St. Peter’s Basilica, and devoured.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close