adBlockCheck

Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

Pope Insanity MXLV.
Pope Insanity MXLV.

VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly darkened the Vatican City sky as Catholic Church officials announced that the College of Cardinals had ended their two-day session and selected Pope Insanity MXLV.

Moments after the announcement, the newly named Pope Insanity MXLV abruptly materialized on the St. Peter’s balcony to an applauding crowd gathered below, and then raised his arms and emitted a piercing, high-pitched shriek as blood streamed down his forehead and thick smoke swirled around his body.

Sources confirmed that after five minutes of complete silence, Insanity then clicked his tongue violently, calling hundreds of ravens, eagles, and vultures to surround the balcony and land upon him.

“Here now begins the dawning of a new era for the Catholic Church,” Insanity said, pausing again briefly as a swarm of hornets suddenly spewed out of his open mouth and flew into the Vatican City crowd. “This is the birth of a new Catholicism, one born from the darkness of the old and the madness of the new. Gleaming slivers slipping blackly o’er frosted bone and chiming fuckly kill the beast the smiling dog amen amen.”

“Incurvasti in fronte mihi, mi legiones,” Insanity then screamed, while scratching furiously at his genitals. “Incurvasti!”

As a black liquid slowly oozed from his nose, Insanity then dismissed half the audience to gather steel, wood, and rocks and bring them into St. Peter’s Square, instructing the remaining half to gouge their eyes out immediately with a dull knife and await the “silent coming of the ivory snake, he breathes, he breathes.”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Insanity said, shaking as the fabric of space and time seemed to bend around him in undulating waves of light, color, and sound. “Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Insanity added.

Sources reported that, as Insanity’s body repeatedly disappeared and rematerialized in different locations in St. Peter’s Square, the new pope’s skin then seemingly melted from his body, leaving nothing but a hollow gray skeleton.

Pope Insanity MXLV’s glowing flesh then immediately began to reform over the bones, sources confirmed.

“I’m very excited about the changes that Pope Insanity was talking about for the church,” said audience member and devout Catholic Bonnie Jenkins, as blood and pus poured down from her ears. “I mean, I thought the things he was saying about my body burning amid the skins of a thousand orphans and then reforming into a charging black stallion were a very interesting take on Church doctrine.”

“I think this will be very good for the church,” added Jenkins, before being gripped in the talons of a now flying Pope Insanity MXLV, carried to the top of St. Peter’s Basilica, and devoured.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close