adBlockCheck

Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim

ROME—Doctors at Italy's prestigious Center for Papal Disease Control announced last week that the infamous Pope-Killing Virus has claimed the life of yet another pontiff. The latest victim, a Polish immigrant identified by authorities as His Holiness John Paul II, is the third pope to fall prey to the virus in as many decades. "The tragic fact remains that, at this time, scientists know almost nothing about this terrible disease that attacks the nerve center of global Catholicism, and we are baffled as to how to fight its spread," CPDC head Dr. Emilio Caminioni said. "How many popes must die before a cure can be found? Can a viable treatment be discovered before another victim is claimed? These questions remain unanswered." According to Caminioni, the deadly virus has claimed the lives of 265 people over the past 20 centuries.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close