Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim

ROME—Doctors at Italy's prestigious Center for Papal Disease Control announced last week that the infamous Pope-Killing Virus has claimed the life of yet another pontiff. The latest victim, a Polish immigrant identified by authorities as His Holiness John Paul II, is the third pope to fall prey to the virus in as many decades. "The tragic fact remains that, at this time, scientists know almost nothing about this terrible disease that attacks the nerve center of global Catholicism, and we are baffled as to how to fight its spread," CPDC head Dr. Emilio Caminioni said. "How many popes must die before a cure can be found? Can a viable treatment be discovered before another victim is claimed? These questions remain unanswered." According to Caminioni, the deadly virus has claimed the lives of 265 people over the past 20 centuries.

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