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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Pope Loses Keys to Vatican City

ROME—Pope John Paul II was puzzled and confused yesterday after misplacing the only set of keys to Vatican City. An array of Italian police, Interpol agents, and the Pope’s personal bodyguards have not been able to locate the keys, a set of gold-inlaid relics which date back to the 4th century A.D. “I thought I had them in my robes when I left the bishop’s house last night,” the Pope said. “But I might have left them on top of the VCR.” Several world religious leaders offered advice to the frustrated pontiff. Among those offering assistance was the Dalai Lama of Tibet, who advised the Pope to “look within himself.”

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