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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Pope Loses Keys to Vatican City

ROME—Pope John Paul II was puzzled and confused yesterday after misplacing the only set of keys to Vatican City. An array of Italian police, Interpol agents, and the Pope’s personal bodyguards have not been able to locate the keys, a set of gold-inlaid relics which date back to the 4th century A.D. “I thought I had them in my robes when I left the bishop’s house last night,” the Pope said. “But I might have left them on top of the VCR.” Several world religious leaders offered advice to the frustrated pontiff. Among those offering assistance was the Dalai Lama of Tibet, who advised the Pope to “look within himself.”

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