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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Pope Loses Keys to Vatican City

ROME—Pope John Paul II was puzzled and confused yesterday after misplacing the only set of keys to Vatican City. An array of Italian police, Interpol agents, and the Pope’s personal bodyguards have not been able to locate the keys, a set of gold-inlaid relics which date back to the 4th century A.D. “I thought I had them in my robes when I left the bishop’s house last night,” the Pope said. “But I might have left them on top of the VCR.” Several world religious leaders offered advice to the frustrated pontiff. Among those offering assistance was the Dalai Lama of Tibet, who advised the Pope to “look within himself.”

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