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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Pope Loses Keys to Vatican City

ROME—Pope John Paul II was puzzled and confused yesterday after misplacing the only set of keys to Vatican City. An array of Italian police, Interpol agents, and the Pope’s personal bodyguards have not been able to locate the keys, a set of gold-inlaid relics which date back to the 4th century A.D. “I thought I had them in my robes when I left the bishop’s house last night,” the Pope said. “But I might have left them on top of the VCR.” Several world religious leaders offered advice to the frustrated pontiff. Among those offering assistance was the Dalai Lama of Tibet, who advised the Pope to “look within himself.”

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