adBlockCheck

Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures

Pope Francis says he can’t find “the goddamn camel” anywhere.
Pope Francis says he can’t find “the goddamn camel” anywhere.

VATICAN CITY—Hoping to have all his holiday decorations up by the weekend, His Holiness Pope Francis has spent the past two hours rummaging through the basement of the papal apartments in search of the Vatican’s plastic nativity scene figures, sources confirmed Friday.

After climbing over dusty cases of sacramental wine and bins filled with mothballed vestments, the pope reportedly found the set’s plywood manger in a corner of the room near the sump pump, though sources noted he has yet to locate all the blow-molded polyethylene representations of the Holy Family and their Christmas visitors.

“Oh, come on, where’s the third wise man?” the spiritual leader of 1.2 billion Roman Catholics said as he pushed aside several priceless Raphael and Fra Angelico paintings to peer into a cardboard box, aided by the dim light of a bare bulb hanging overhead. “I could’ve sworn I put him away with everybody else. There’s a ton of donkeys and sheep in here, but a lot of good that does me with only two wise men. Jeez.”

“I don’t have time for this,” he added. “I’ve still got an epistle that needs to be finished.”

Designed for outdoor use, the 14-piece set of internally lit plastic figurines was first purchased by Pope John Paul II in 1981, and every year since, according to Vatican observers, the reigning pontiff has personally assembled the nativity scene outside the Apostolic Palace in Saint Peter’s Square. The display, including the colored lights that outline the manger and wrap around a few of the piazza’s iconic Tuscan colonnades, is reportedly powered by an extension cord running from an outlet in the papal garage.

After testing to confirm that Mary would still light up when plugged in, Francis noted that the winters had taken their toll on the Blessed Virgin, wearing away most of the paint on her face. He also added that he would likely have to display the statue of a kneeling Joseph at an awkward angle, so as to obscure the dent in his head suffered during Benedict XVI’s papacy.

Sources within the Holy See said that Francis has expressed dismay at his predecessor’s lax oversight of the nativity scene, complaining about last Christmas—his first since assuming the Chair of St. Peter—when two long-missing shepherds and an Angel of the Lord were eventually discovered in a tub mislabeled “winter coats.”

“You know what? I don’t think this baby Jesus is even from the same set,” said the pope in audible exasperation, pointing out that the unpainted plastic infant he found beneath a tangled ball of Christmas lights and a bag of old palm ashes had a much more simplistic design than the rest of the figures. “Ugh. I honestly wouldn’t mind if I thought people wouldn’t notice, but he might not even fit inside the manger.”

“He’s nearly the same size as Mary, for God’s sake,” Francis continued.

According to reports, the Holy Father spent 15 minutes this morning on an unsuccessful attempt to assemble the Christ Child’s crib, but after snapping the dowel used to hold its wooden slats together, he is said to have tossed the whole thing aside in frustration.

Exhausted from his search through the basement, the 77-year-old pontiff reportedly grew even more aggravated after banging his knee on a table and knocking over a stack of relics, including several shards from the True Cross and a wrist bone of St. Gregory the Great.

“Well, it looks like we’re going without a Star of Bethlehem this year,” the pope said before emitting an extended sigh. “We’ve got so many goddamn packages of tinsel down here, I guess I’ll just dangle some of that from the roof and call it a day. If Cardinal [Angelo] Sodano complains, he can deal with it himself. I’ve already spent way too much time on this.”

Added the pope, “Right now, I really need to climb to the top of the Basilica dome and get Santa’s sleigh mounted on the roof.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close