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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God

MIAMI—In his first post since joining social networking site Twitter early this week, Pope Benedict XVI has tweeted a picture of himself spending time with the Lord Our God, Divine Creator of the Universe. “Feelin real blessed today to be hangin out wit @therealHeavenlyFather today!” the pope wrote to his nearly 500,000 Twitter followers, attaching a link to a Twitpic photo of himself in which he is seen relaxing on his papal yacht with God. “Just gettin some sun and sippin cocktails. #loveit.” At press time, the picture had been retweeted by Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Oprah Winfrey, and Jesus Christ.

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