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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God

MIAMI—In his first post since joining social networking site Twitter early this week, Pope Benedict XVI has tweeted a picture of himself spending time with the Lord Our God, Divine Creator of the Universe. “Feelin real blessed today to be hangin out wit @therealHeavenlyFather today!” the pope wrote to his nearly 500,000 Twitter followers, attaching a link to a Twitpic photo of himself in which he is seen relaxing on his papal yacht with God. “Just gettin some sun and sippin cocktails. #loveit.” At press time, the picture had been retweeted by Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Oprah Winfrey, and Jesus Christ.

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