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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God

MIAMI—In his first post since joining social networking site Twitter early this week, Pope Benedict XVI has tweeted a picture of himself spending time with the Lord Our God, Divine Creator of the Universe. “Feelin real blessed today to be hangin out wit @therealHeavenlyFather today!” the pope wrote to his nearly 500,000 Twitter followers, attaching a link to a Twitpic photo of himself in which he is seen relaxing on his papal yacht with God. “Just gettin some sun and sippin cocktails. #loveit.” At press time, the picture had been retweeted by Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Oprah Winfrey, and Jesus Christ.

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