Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

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Vol 38 Issue 29

Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike

SHIOCTON, WI—Corey Hoffman, a 7-year-old Green Bay Packers fanatic stricken with terminal leukemia, received the thrill of his short lifetime Tuesday, when he met Brett Favre lookalike Morris Aubrey. "You should have seen the way Corey's face lit up when he met the man he was convinced was his football idol," said Fake-A-Wish president Dean Pivarnik. "Moments like that are the whole reason we do this. Whether a child wants a phone call from a Michael Jackson soundalike or just wants to meet Milky Mouse before he dies, we are proud to make that dream come true."

The West Nile Virus

The deadly, mosquito-borne West Nile virus is spreading across the U.S. What are health officials doing to fight the outbreak?

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think?

Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke

WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed.

Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny

CALVERTON, MD—Sixth-grader Adam Jones' family tree, assigned recently as homework, fails to hold up to scrutiny, social-studies teacher Gwen Wexler reported Monday. "I'm a little skeptical of Adam's claim that he's descended from [movie star] Vin Diesel," Wexler said. "There's also something suspicious about his tracing his mother's lineage to Cal Ripken Jr." Wexler expressed further doubts about Jones' claim that he is related to actor James Earl Jones by way of "the Zimbabwe Joneses."
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."

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