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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."

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