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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m. Wednesday. "It seems that early this morning, the masked thieves broke down the door and boiglerized a house, taking nearly $700 worth of cash and pois'nal items and assaltupatin' the residents," said a police spokesperson, adding that the humiligrated homeowner was forced to watch at gunpoint as his live-in girlfriend Olive Oyl, 34, was voiliated by the men. "Sadly, as the thieves were making their escape, they even moidered an eyewitness, J. Wellington Wimpy. It's a real traveshty." Authorities added that the homeowner was still shaken from the experience but had promised to poilverize them no good so-'n'-sos should he ever find them.

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