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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday. “This hot new breed has everything pet lovers are looking for: the adorable teacup size; the cute little labored wheeze; the permanently prolapsed anus. When people see celebrities dragging them around on TV, it’s only natural they’d want one,” said Toy Whiffle Association president Daisy Macnamara, who noted that since the breed neither requires nor has the physical ability to exercise, it makes a great apartment dog. “You will need to take these dogs out at least twice a day for them to void the built-up fluids in their chest cavity. But given their lack of teeth or any musculature whatsoever, they’re extremely docile and great with children—provided, of course, the kids are gentle with the dogs’ super-cute, scrunched-up, and fully exposed intestines.” Macnamara urged prospective owners to be aware that the popular breed suffers from a number of hereditary health issues, including eyeball dysplasia, spontaneous bone liquification, and a shorter-than-average 19-day lifespan.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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