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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday. “This hot new breed has everything pet lovers are looking for: the adorable teacup size; the cute little labored wheeze; the permanently prolapsed anus. When people see celebrities dragging them around on TV, it’s only natural they’d want one,” said Toy Whiffle Association president Daisy Macnamara, who noted that since the breed neither requires nor has the physical ability to exercise, it makes a great apartment dog. “You will need to take these dogs out at least twice a day for them to void the built-up fluids in their chest cavity. But given their lack of teeth or any musculature whatsoever, they’re extremely docile and great with children—provided, of course, the kids are gentle with the dogs’ super-cute, scrunched-up, and fully exposed intestines.” Macnamara urged prospective owners to be aware that the popular breed suffers from a number of hereditary health issues, including eyeball dysplasia, spontaneous bone liquification, and a shorter-than-average 19-day lifespan.

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