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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday. “This hot new breed has everything pet lovers are looking for: the adorable teacup size; the cute little labored wheeze; the permanently prolapsed anus. When people see celebrities dragging them around on TV, it’s only natural they’d want one,” said Toy Whiffle Association president Daisy Macnamara, who noted that since the breed neither requires nor has the physical ability to exercise, it makes a great apartment dog. “You will need to take these dogs out at least twice a day for them to void the built-up fluids in their chest cavity. But given their lack of teeth or any musculature whatsoever, they’re extremely docile and great with children—provided, of course, the kids are gentle with the dogs’ super-cute, scrunched-up, and fully exposed intestines.” Macnamara urged prospective owners to be aware that the popular breed suffers from a number of hereditary health issues, including eyeball dysplasia, spontaneous bone liquification, and a shorter-than-average 19-day lifespan.

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