Porn Director Fights Ratings Board For Single-X Rating

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Vol 32 Issue 19

FBI Chief Releases Composite Sketch Of Dream House

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, FBI director Louis Freeh released an artist’s rendering Monday of the home he has dreamed of all his life. "We must find this home," a determined Freeh told an assemblage of FBI agents and reporters. “Just look at the outside. That’s cedar paneling. I’ll never have to paint." Distinguishing features of the house, Freeh said, include a circular driveway, tennis court and wrought-iron lattice-work fence. "The FBI has made the search for this lovely house a top priority," Freeh said. “We will not rest until I am relaxing in this sunken marble bathtub."

134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error

NEW ORLEANS—Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to his astounding longevity, the feisty 134-year-old credited "healthy eating, a good walk every evening, and a Social Security worker’s accidental striking of an extra digit while typing in my age." The remarkable Greer, who remembers meeting President Lyndon Johnson as a young boy, said he has “no plans to retire any time soon.”

Tractor Pulls Now Number-One Use For U.S. Tractors

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a survey released Friday by the Department of Agriculture, after more than 150 years on top, farming is no longer the number-one use for tractors in the U.S., surpassed by tractor-pull competitions. "Fortunately for tractor manufacturers like John Deere," said Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman, "Americans’ declining interest in farm-based crop-tilling has been offset by a rising interest in stadium-based ass-kicking."

Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash

STAMFORD, CT—Noted philanthropic elf Santa Claus was killed Monday in an electric-razor crash during a practice run for his annual global gift delivery. According to witnesses, at 11:20 p.m., while riding over an icy embankment, Claus lost control of the Norelco razor he was piloting, sending him careening into a suburban home. Long believed immortal, Claus was pulled from the mangled razor and rushed to a local hospital, where he was pronounced dead. "We are shocked and saddened by this tragedy," Norelco CEO Steve Drucker said. "This is a terrible loss, not only for the Norelco family, but for all the children of the world." Control of KringCo, Santa’s massive non-profit toy-distribution franchise, was transferred to former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, widely known to possess the same magic powers as Claus. Children are advised that Dr. Kissinger prefers "a nice green salad or fruit plate" to cookies.

African Child Dies Despite Merlin Olsen Endorsement

AKOBO, SUDAN—Despite a high-profile media endorsement featuring touching piano music, soft-focus photography, and the star power of former NFL great and television personality Merlin Olsen, Sudanese child Nwangi Botusa died Monday of what medical-relief authorities are calling "starvation."

The ONION's 1997 Man of The Year

Each year, The Onion's esteemed Board of Directors faces the daunting task of singling out one individual who most embodies the spirit of the times, who is most deserving of the title "Man Of The Year."

The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?
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Porn Director Fights Ratings Board For Single-X Rating

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Director Larry Thomas expressed "extreme disappointment and dismay" Monday following the announcement by Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), that its ratings board had assigned a XXX rating to Thomas' latest film, Oral Arguments 7: Back In Chambers.

<I>Oral Arguments 7</I> director Larry Thomas.

"It's outrageous and hypocritical, said Thomas, one of pornography's most respected auteurs. "They told me that if I wanted to get it into theaters with an X, I'd have to edit out 11 minutes worth of double-dildo penetration, kick-fucking and in-twat perspective shots, not to mention the entire octuple daisy-chain scene. In other words, they wanted to compromise the cum-splattering artistic vision I've had for Oral Arguments 7 ever since I first conceived it three weeks ago."

Thomas said he attempted to reach a compromise with members of the MPAA board, but they were unwilling to give any ground.

"It broke my heart, but I finally presented them with a version where I cut a majority of the 11 minutes in question, replacing all of the quote-unquote 'XXX' material with standard-issue blow jobs, doggie-styles and cum shots. But I refused to cut the felching scene. That's the key scene in the whole picture. I mean, come on, it's 1997, and we've still got societal hang-ups about octuple-daisy-chain felching?"

Actress Chasey Lain, one of the stars of Oral Arguments 7, agreed with her director. "I've been in 90 XXX films and 50 Xers," Lain said, "so I think I know the difference. And no way is this XXX material. [Co-star] Heather [Hunter] and I don't even use anal ripcord beads."

Lain also cited by way of precedent two of the previous movies in the Oral Arguments series. "Numbers three and five, those were just as raunchy, no question, and both were only rated X. Five especially, that was just nasty. I wouldn't have taken [fellow actress and close friend] Janine Lindemulder to see that one, and not only is she a mature adult, she's a serious fucking slut."

Valenti remained adamant about the board's decision. "We have neither the power nor the desire to regulate what directors like Mr. Thomas can or can't do," Valenti said. "Our job is simply to let the general public know how filthy a particular piece of smut is. The board was unanimous in finding Oral Arguments 7, in its unedited state, triple-X-hilarating, triple-X-citing and triple-X-plosive."

While the MPAA could in theory grant the film a XX, that rating is rarely given and is even less desirable to filmmakers than XXX.

"A XX is just wishy-washy," Thomas said. "If you try to toe the line and cater to both the casual, single-X porn-goer and the more specialized niche market of utterly depraved XXX-viewing scumbags, you're just going to wind up getting nobody off."

Thomas said he and his production company, Vivid Video, have no plans to release the "watered-down" version to movie theaters.

"We're going to go straight to video with this one," said Thomas. "And the video version will be a true director's cut: Not only will I restore the material I cut for the MPAA, but I will add 10 minutes of never-before-seen footage of interracial anal, double-pussy penetration, big mamas and triple-dildo gang-bangs. Artistry comes first."

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