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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Porn Director Fights Ratings Board For Single-X Rating

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Director Larry Thomas expressed "extreme disappointment and dismay" Monday following the announcement by Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), that its ratings board had assigned a XXX rating to Thomas' latest film, Oral Arguments 7: Back In Chambers.

<I>Oral Arguments 7</I> director Larry Thomas.

"It's outrageous and hypocritical, said Thomas, one of pornography's most respected auteurs. "They told me that if I wanted to get it into theaters with an X, I'd have to edit out 11 minutes worth of double-dildo penetration, kick-fucking and in-twat perspective shots, not to mention the entire octuple daisy-chain scene. In other words, they wanted to compromise the cum-splattering artistic vision I've had for Oral Arguments 7 ever since I first conceived it three weeks ago."

Thomas said he attempted to reach a compromise with members of the MPAA board, but they were unwilling to give any ground.

"It broke my heart, but I finally presented them with a version where I cut a majority of the 11 minutes in question, replacing all of the quote-unquote 'XXX' material with standard-issue blow jobs, doggie-styles and cum shots. But I refused to cut the felching scene. That's the key scene in the whole picture. I mean, come on, it's 1997, and we've still got societal hang-ups about octuple-daisy-chain felching?"

Actress Chasey Lain, one of the stars of Oral Arguments 7, agreed with her director. "I've been in 90 XXX films and 50 Xers," Lain said, "so I think I know the difference. And no way is this XXX material. [Co-star] Heather [Hunter] and I don't even use anal ripcord beads."

Lain also cited by way of precedent two of the previous movies in the Oral Arguments series. "Numbers three and five, those were just as raunchy, no question, and both were only rated X. Five especially, that was just nasty. I wouldn't have taken [fellow actress and close friend] Janine Lindemulder to see that one, and not only is she a mature adult, she's a serious fucking slut."

Valenti remained adamant about the board's decision. "We have neither the power nor the desire to regulate what directors like Mr. Thomas can or can't do," Valenti said. "Our job is simply to let the general public know how filthy a particular piece of smut is. The board was unanimous in finding Oral Arguments 7, in its unedited state, triple-X-hilarating, triple-X-citing and triple-X-plosive."

While the MPAA could in theory grant the film a XX, that rating is rarely given and is even less desirable to filmmakers than XXX.

"A XX is just wishy-washy," Thomas said. "If you try to toe the line and cater to both the casual, single-X porn-goer and the more specialized niche market of utterly depraved XXX-viewing scumbags, you're just going to wind up getting nobody off."

Thomas said he and his production company, Vivid Video, have no plans to release the "watered-down" version to movie theaters.

"We're going to go straight to video with this one," said Thomas. "And the video version will be a true director's cut: Not only will I restore the material I cut for the MPAA, but I will add 10 minutes of never-before-seen footage of interracial anal, double-pussy penetration, big mamas and triple-dildo gang-bangs. Artistry comes first."

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