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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Porn Director Fights Ratings Board For Single-X Rating

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Director Larry Thomas expressed "extreme disappointment and dismay" Monday following the announcement by Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), that its ratings board had assigned a XXX rating to Thomas' latest film, Oral Arguments 7: Back In Chambers.

<I>Oral Arguments 7</I> director Larry Thomas.

"It's outrageous and hypocritical, said Thomas, one of pornography's most respected auteurs. "They told me that if I wanted to get it into theaters with an X, I'd have to edit out 11 minutes worth of double-dildo penetration, kick-fucking and in-twat perspective shots, not to mention the entire octuple daisy-chain scene. In other words, they wanted to compromise the cum-splattering artistic vision I've had for Oral Arguments 7 ever since I first conceived it three weeks ago."

Thomas said he attempted to reach a compromise with members of the MPAA board, but they were unwilling to give any ground.

"It broke my heart, but I finally presented them with a version where I cut a majority of the 11 minutes in question, replacing all of the quote-unquote 'XXX' material with standard-issue blow jobs, doggie-styles and cum shots. But I refused to cut the felching scene. That's the key scene in the whole picture. I mean, come on, it's 1997, and we've still got societal hang-ups about octuple-daisy-chain felching?"

Actress Chasey Lain, one of the stars of Oral Arguments 7, agreed with her director. "I've been in 90 XXX films and 50 Xers," Lain said, "so I think I know the difference. And no way is this XXX material. [Co-star] Heather [Hunter] and I don't even use anal ripcord beads."

Lain also cited by way of precedent two of the previous movies in the Oral Arguments series. "Numbers three and five, those were just as raunchy, no question, and both were only rated X. Five especially, that was just nasty. I wouldn't have taken [fellow actress and close friend] Janine Lindemulder to see that one, and not only is she a mature adult, she's a serious fucking slut."

Valenti remained adamant about the board's decision. "We have neither the power nor the desire to regulate what directors like Mr. Thomas can or can't do," Valenti said. "Our job is simply to let the general public know how filthy a particular piece of smut is. The board was unanimous in finding Oral Arguments 7, in its unedited state, triple-X-hilarating, triple-X-citing and triple-X-plosive."

While the MPAA could in theory grant the film a XX, that rating is rarely given and is even less desirable to filmmakers than XXX.

"A XX is just wishy-washy," Thomas said. "If you try to toe the line and cater to both the casual, single-X porn-goer and the more specialized niche market of utterly depraved XXX-viewing scumbags, you're just going to wind up getting nobody off."

Thomas said he and his production company, Vivid Video, have no plans to release the "watered-down" version to movie theaters.

"We're going to go straight to video with this one," said Thomas. "And the video version will be a true director's cut: Not only will I restore the material I cut for the MPAA, but I will add 10 minutes of never-before-seen footage of interracial anal, double-pussy penetration, big mamas and triple-dildo gang-bangs. Artistry comes first."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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