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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become clogged and inoperable. "I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing," said store owner James Vanderbek. "We paid too much for it to have to be cleaning it every week, I can tell you that." Said Ken Woodruff, the store's assistant manager: "It always seems to happen on Wednesday nights: Right around the time this one funny-looking tall guy leaves, someone always seems to complain about not being able to get change."

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