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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him

RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you can get the 24/7 webcam, free access to 5000 facial and Asian gang-bang videos, two private chat sessions per month, and an all-access pass to the VIP section,” Hinney said as he mulled over an even pricier premium package that reportedly comes bundled with a “Teens-Only Whack-Pack” video collection and free membership in a partner site called Anal Annihilation. “Meanwhile, the yearly plan seems like the best value, but what if I make my way through their archives in a few months and am then stuck paying until my subscription runs out? I need to make sure I’m getting a sufficient amount of original adult hardcore footage at a reasonable monthly price. We just started Eric in daycare so budgeting is an issue.” Sources confirmed Hinney later decided against purchasing any of the site’s packages, having suddenly remembered the internet offers more free pornography than any one person could possibly view in a single lifetime.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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