Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him

RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you can get the 24/7 webcam, free access to 5000 facial and Asian gang-bang videos, two private chat sessions per month, and an all-access pass to the VIP section,” Hinney said as he mulled over an even pricier premium package that reportedly comes bundled with a “Teens-Only Whack-Pack” video collection and free membership in a partner site called Anal Annihilation. “Meanwhile, the yearly plan seems like the best value, but what if I make my way through their archives in a few months and am then stuck paying until my subscription runs out? I need to make sure I’m getting a sufficient amount of original adult hardcore footage at a reasonable monthly price. We just started Eric in daycare so budgeting is an issue.” Sources confirmed Hinney later decided against purchasing any of the site’s packages, having suddenly remembered the internet offers more free pornography than any one person could possibly view in a single lifetime.

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