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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him

RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you can get the 24/7 webcam, free access to 5000 facial and Asian gang-bang videos, two private chat sessions per month, and an all-access pass to the VIP section,” Hinney said as he mulled over an even pricier premium package that reportedly comes bundled with a “Teens-Only Whack-Pack” video collection and free membership in a partner site called Anal Annihilation. “Meanwhile, the yearly plan seems like the best value, but what if I make my way through their archives in a few months and am then stuck paying until my subscription runs out? I need to make sure I’m getting a sufficient amount of original adult hardcore footage at a reasonable monthly price. We just started Eric in daycare so budgeting is an issue.” Sources confirmed Hinney later decided against purchasing any of the site’s packages, having suddenly remembered the internet offers more free pornography than any one person could possibly view in a single lifetime.

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