ARIES: Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
WASHINGTON— Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. "At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow," the statement read in part, its list of demands specifying that the new orifice, wherever its location on the body, must be concealed by some sort of clothing or shroud during the majority of the day, so that the viewer grows more eager for its eventual revelation when its covering is seductively removed. "If at all possible, we'd prefer some sort of self-moistening orifice that grips tightly enough to constrain fingers and foreign objects, but also gapes wide enough to fit a human head." According to pornographic historians, there hasn't been a public outcry like this since 1989, when the nation's mainstream pornographic-film industry pacified its audience by unveiling the first penetrable asshole.