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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft

NOVI, MI—Ignoring the ever-looming specter of his own mortality, sources confirmed that local web designer Spencer Krone devoted a rapidly fleeting portion of his finite life Thursday evening to participating in a mock draft for his Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball league “Diggin’ For Goldschmidt.” “Dammit, somebody already got Mike Trout,” Krone reportedly said as his every breath brought him closer to the inevitable end of his time on earth, with the 26-year-old having chosen to dedicate over two hours of his brief yet precious existence to a full 23-round practice run of an upcoming fantasy draft. “Hope I can still get McCutchen. McCutchen’s really good.” At press time, Krone, who will reportedly never have the chance to relive his mid-20s, had just made a note that Los Angeles Angels third baseman David Freese could be a quality sleeper pick late in the draft.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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