Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft

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James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Brewers Stay After Game To Run The Bases

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Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete mak...

Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...

Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players,...
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Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft

NOVI, MI—Ignoring the ever-looming specter of his own mortality, sources confirmed that local web designer Spencer Krone devoted a rapidly fleeting portion of his finite life Thursday evening to participating in a mock draft for his Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball league “Diggin’ For Goldschmidt.” “Dammit, somebody already got Mike Trout,” Krone reportedly said as his every breath brought him closer to the inevitable end of his time on earth, with the 26-year-old having chosen to dedicate over two hours of his brief yet precious existence to a full 23-round practice run of an upcoming fantasy draft. “Hope I can still get McCutchen. McCutchen’s really good.” At press time, Krone, who will reportedly never have the chance to relive his mid-20s, had just made a note that Los Angeles Angels third baseman David Freese could be a quality sleeper pick late in the draft.

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