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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Portrait Of A Hero

Yesterday, America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter could even obtain a gun. But to those who know him, Trevor's act of heroism was no surprise; The handsome football star and prom king has been serving as a role model for Granton's youth for years.

Numerous Granton residents told The Onion News Network about Trevor's history of volunteer work, including once trapping all of the squirrels in the town's downtown park and exterminating them by hand.

"No one asked him to do it," recalled family friend Ellen Haggerty. "Trevor just saw that the squirrels were a bit of a nuisance, so he caught them in traps he made and then took them down to his basement and videotaped himself as he killed them one by one. It was so sweet."

Trevor's teachers have equally glowing praise for Trevor. A short story he wrote for an English class last year about a young football player killing a classmate and wearing his skin as a coat was described as "extremely detailed" by his teacher Ron Wurther.

"The assignment was to write a three-page story, but Trevor turned in a 109-page hand-written manifesto. I've never seen a student apply himself so thoroughly."

Other teachers echoed the statement, including one who spoke in awe about a working crossbow Trevor built himself for a science project.

Sadly, despite his good deeds, Trevor has had to face tragedy many times. Seven of his previous girlfriends have gone missing. But the plucky youngster says he won't let even these losses keep him from having a great attitude toward life.

"I feel as powerful as a god," Trevor told reporters yesterday. "I am the Flesh Master. My thirst must be slaked with blood."

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