adBlockCheck

Portrait Of A Hero

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Portrait Of A Hero

Yesterday, America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter could even obtain a gun. But to those who know him, Trevor's act of heroism was no surprise; The handsome football star and prom king has been serving as a role model for Granton's youth for years.

Numerous Granton residents told The Onion News Network about Trevor's history of volunteer work, including once trapping all of the squirrels in the town's downtown park and exterminating them by hand.

"No one asked him to do it," recalled family friend Ellen Haggerty. "Trevor just saw that the squirrels were a bit of a nuisance, so he caught them in traps he made and then took them down to his basement and videotaped himself as he killed them one by one. It was so sweet."

Trevor's teachers have equally glowing praise for Trevor. A short story he wrote for an English class last year about a young football player killing a classmate and wearing his skin as a coat was described as "extremely detailed" by his teacher Ron Wurther.

"The assignment was to write a three-page story, but Trevor turned in a 109-page hand-written manifesto. I've never seen a student apply himself so thoroughly."

Other teachers echoed the statement, including one who spoke in awe about a working crossbow Trevor built himself for a science project.

Sadly, despite his good deeds, Trevor has had to face tragedy many times. Seven of his previous girlfriends have gone missing. But the plucky youngster says he won't let even these losses keep him from having a great attitude toward life.

"I feel as powerful as a god," Trevor told reporters yesterday. "I am the Flesh Master. My thirst must be slaked with blood."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close