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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"

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