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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost

NEW YORK—In an interview following Sunday afternoon's Yankees-Twins matchup, Alex Rodriguez's comments seemed to suggest that he was unaware of the game's final outcome. "Both teams played great out there, and players from both teams had some key performances that really swung the momentum in their favors—it's a shame that one team, perhaps the other, had to lose," Rodriguez said in response to a question about what this game means for the Yankees' season. "This game really could've gone either way, instead of the one way in which it went. You've just got to tip your cap to the winning team in this case. For winning. The game." When asked what he thought about rookie Darrell Rasner's performance, Rodriguez said that he "will be a big part of the future of whatever team he plays for."

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