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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Postal Service: 'And Wait Until You Cocksuckers See What We Do With Wednesdays'

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays. “You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahoe, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.” Donahoe added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.

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