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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail

'We Did It Again, You Guys,' Jubilant Postmaster Declares

WASHINGTON—Emphatic cheers of "We did it again!" and "USPS is the best!" rang out from the nation's post offices Tuesday as the United States Postal Service celebrated yet another amazing day of successfully delivering the country's mail.

Joyous postal workers congratulate themselves on another job well done.


At 5:01 p.m., Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe popped a champagne cork as confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling of USPS's Washington headquarters and joyous employees cartwheeled in unison through the hallways, sources reported. Amidst the revelry, postal workers congratulated and hugged one another for once again delivering all 584 million pieces of the day's mail to their proper destinations.

"You can put another great day of delivering mail in the books, fellas!" said the jubilant postmaster general, who was greeted with thunderous applause and random cheers of "No mail is junk mail!" by his employees. "We sorted, we accumulated, we delivered. And you know what? We did it together. I love you guys!"

"Everyone in America got their magazines!" added Donahoe, who was then hoisted onto the shoulders of several D.C. postmen and carried into the courtyard where a 20-piece orchestra was playing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered."

As the festivities continued on the East Coast with delivery trucks honking their horns and the entire USPS airplane fleet tipping their wings mid-flight, Donahoe called up the Big Board—a giant television screen with a live feed to every post office in America—to see how the celebrations were progressing across the country.

"Let's check in on Broomfield!" Donahoe shouted as the screen cut to a small post office in Colorado, whose champagne-drenched mailmen were once again unfurling their giant "You Asked, We Delivered!" banner. "You're the best, Broomfield. And now let's kick it to Omaha! Nice! Good stuff from the Cornhusker State. And now Kansas City! And Dallas! And Salt Lake City! Ladies and gentlemen, the mail carriers of Cincinnati, Ohio!"

"Looking good, Cincinnati," Donahoe added. "Love the choreography!"

Other highlights from the revelry included a quarter-mile-long postal worker conga line in New Jersey, mailmen in Tampa, FL tossing their coworkers into the air with a giant blanket, and federal workers from the five post offices in Santa Fe, NM gathering in Fort Marcy Park for a fireworks display, carnival games, and performances of numerous mail-related songs and skits.

Similar nationwide celebrations reportedly occurred the previous night, last Saturday, Friday, and every day that mail has been delivered since Benjamin Franklin established the government agency in 1775.

"Twenty million letters, 8 million birthday cards, 100 million Capital One Bank credit card offers, and 5 million different types of forms were delivered from one side of the country to the other, a majority of them for just 44 cents," former Utah Jazz power forward and basketball legend Karl Malone said in a message to the nation's mailmen taped earlier in the day. "It's a modern miracle, and you're responsible for it. So raise a glass and take a drink, because you deserve it."

Nobody was injured during any of the nationwide festivities—many of which devolved into late-night dance parties—and all postal workers interviewed said they had the time of their lives.

"We rocked it today, guys!" Harrisburg, PA mailman Tom Burnsworth said. "And we're gonna rock it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the day after that, and then on Sunday we're not gonna do it. But on Monday we're gonna do it again!"

"Who are we?" Burnsworth shouted at his colleagues, who immediately responded, "Mailmen!" "What do we do? Deliver mail! When are weather conditions too inclement? Never! USPS, USPS, USPS!"

As Burnsworth received a roaring ovation from his coworkers, Pennsylvania resident Debbie Lustick, 42, told reporters that she had yet to receive a package she has been expecting since last Thursday.

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