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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service

WASHINGTON—In an effort to highlight their longstanding contributions and loyalty to the agency, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative stamps Wednesday honoring those Americans who still use the U.S. Postal Service. “Our latest series of Forever stamps recognizes the remaining citizens who continue to support the USPS by physically sending their bills, rent checks, and thank-you cards via traditional mail,” said Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, noting that the newly issued stamps will depict such longtime supporters as Linda Campbell, an elderly Charleston, SC resident who still writes letters to her loved ones regularly, and 24-year-old Nicole Meier, who sends postcards during various trips around the country using the national mailing system. “The efforts of these individuals—including Salem, OR resident Patricia Hunt, who mails a birthday card to her nephew each year, and the sixth-grade teacher at Nyack, NY’s Humphrey Elementary School, who still has students send letters to their state senators every fall—are worthy of our praise and deserve the highest honor the USPS can bestow.” Donahoe added that the Postal Service would also be releasing a limited edition collector’s stamp honoring those who have purchased a booklet of stamps, later lost it, and then had to buy another one.

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