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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service

WASHINGTON—In an effort to highlight their longstanding contributions and loyalty to the agency, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative stamps Wednesday honoring those Americans who still use the U.S. Postal Service. “Our latest series of Forever stamps recognizes the remaining citizens who continue to support the USPS by physically sending their bills, rent checks, and thank-you cards via traditional mail,” said Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, noting that the newly issued stamps will depict such longtime supporters as Linda Campbell, an elderly Charleston, SC resident who still writes letters to her loved ones regularly, and 24-year-old Nicole Meier, who sends postcards during various trips around the country using the national mailing system. “The efforts of these individuals—including Salem, OR resident Patricia Hunt, who mails a birthday card to her nephew each year, and the sixth-grade teacher at Nyack, NY’s Humphrey Elementary School, who still has students send letters to their state senators every fall—are worthy of our praise and deserve the highest honor the USPS can bestow.” Donahoe added that the Postal Service would also be releasing a limited edition collector’s stamp honoring those who have purchased a booklet of stamps, later lost it, and then had to buy another one.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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