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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service

WASHINGTON—In an effort to highlight their longstanding contributions and loyalty to the agency, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative stamps Wednesday honoring those Americans who still use the U.S. Postal Service. “Our latest series of Forever stamps recognizes the remaining citizens who continue to support the USPS by physically sending their bills, rent checks, and thank-you cards via traditional mail,” said Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, noting that the newly issued stamps will depict such longtime supporters as Linda Campbell, an elderly Charleston, SC resident who still writes letters to her loved ones regularly, and 24-year-old Nicole Meier, who sends postcards during various trips around the country using the national mailing system. “The efforts of these individuals—including Salem, OR resident Patricia Hunt, who mails a birthday card to her nephew each year, and the sixth-grade teacher at Nyack, NY’s Humphrey Elementary School, who still has students send letters to their state senators every fall—are worthy of our praise and deserve the highest honor the USPS can bestow.” Donahoe added that the Postal Service would also be releasing a limited edition collector’s stamp honoring those who have purchased a booklet of stamps, later lost it, and then had to buy another one.

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