adBlockCheck

Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

BRAMP, KS—A trio of posters depicting scantily clad women, hung recently in a Bramp State University dorm room, have been found to have "little to no effect" in facilitating the presence of actual naked women in that room, a Bramp State housing department study reports.

Thus far, Bramp State freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to Selham Hall West room 508.

The posters, manufactured by alcoholic beverage companies as promotional items, were intended to establish a fun, party-like atmosphere, in which the presence of naked women would be suggested and encouraged. But their actual effect was "minimal if not entirely nonexistent," the study's findings indicate.

"The thinking was that these posters would set a tone," freshman Chad Drubham said. "We enjoy beer here in Selham Hall West room 508, and we share an equally enthusiastic interest in naked women. We thought that by combining these two elements, these posters would establish not only a mood of beer-drinking fun, but also one of casual female nudity or semi-nudity."

"Our idea was to create an environment in which nude or semi-nude women would find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also just being naked," Drubham added. "We also sort of hoped that they might have sex with us."

"None of these things have happened," Drubham added. "It would appear that our conclusions were completely unfounded."

The housing department report, compiled over the course of three weeks spent monitoring the dorm room and its immediate surroundings, categorically concluded that "there exists no measurable cause-and-effect relationship between the presence of the naked-women posters and the willingness of non-photographic human women to appear naked in or near that location."

The study went on to report no notable relationship between the number of naked women in the room before and after the decision to acquire the posters, other than the fact that in both cases the number was zero.

"I can't understand it," roommate and management studies major Kurt Beem said. "We had it all planned out. I just can't see where we went wrong. Perhaps we need to know more about women in general, clothed and unclothed alike, before we can accurately affect and predict the behavior of the nude ones, specifically."

In a surprising side note, the report did find the posters to have a marked impact on alcohol purchase, causing a notable rise in consumption of the product lines the posters advertised, and an upswing of as much as 35 percent in the case of the wine cooler that sponsored the largest-breasted model's photo.

One reason for the initial enthusiasm in the posters project was the earlier success the roommates had had with other, differently themed posters.

"Everybody liked the Miller Lite poster and the Bud Dry neon sign, and they did in fact seem to be effective in facilitating a bar-like, drinking-oriented dorm interior," Beem said.

"Similarly encouraging results seemed evident after our decision to display our 'Rockin' USA' poster (depicting a guitar rocketing into the air with an American flag in the background)," Beem continued, noting that the poster had indeed made the place seem overall more "rockin'."

"Unfortunately, the technique does not seem to have any effect on glamorous, product-endorsing models," Beem said. "In fact, the only effect of the posters so far has been that we get real horned up when we look at them. Jesus Christ Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close