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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

BRAMP, KS—A trio of posters depicting scantily clad women, hung recently in a Bramp State University dorm room, have been found to have "little to no effect" in facilitating the presence of actual naked women in that room, a Bramp State housing department study reports.

Thus far, Bramp State freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to Selham Hall West room 508.

The posters, manufactured by alcoholic beverage companies as promotional items, were intended to establish a fun, party-like atmosphere, in which the presence of naked women would be suggested and encouraged. But their actual effect was "minimal if not entirely nonexistent," the study's findings indicate.

"The thinking was that these posters would set a tone," freshman Chad Drubham said. "We enjoy beer here in Selham Hall West room 508, and we share an equally enthusiastic interest in naked women. We thought that by combining these two elements, these posters would establish not only a mood of beer-drinking fun, but also one of casual female nudity or semi-nudity."

"Our idea was to create an environment in which nude or semi-nude women would find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also just being naked," Drubham added. "We also sort of hoped that they might have sex with us."

"None of these things have happened," Drubham added. "It would appear that our conclusions were completely unfounded."

The housing department report, compiled over the course of three weeks spent monitoring the dorm room and its immediate surroundings, categorically concluded that "there exists no measurable cause-and-effect relationship between the presence of the naked-women posters and the willingness of non-photographic human women to appear naked in or near that location."

The study went on to report no notable relationship between the number of naked women in the room before and after the decision to acquire the posters, other than the fact that in both cases the number was zero.

"I can't understand it," roommate and management studies major Kurt Beem said. "We had it all planned out. I just can't see where we went wrong. Perhaps we need to know more about women in general, clothed and unclothed alike, before we can accurately affect and predict the behavior of the nude ones, specifically."

In a surprising side note, the report did find the posters to have a marked impact on alcohol purchase, causing a notable rise in consumption of the product lines the posters advertised, and an upswing of as much as 35 percent in the case of the wine cooler that sponsored the largest-breasted model's photo.

One reason for the initial enthusiasm in the posters project was the earlier success the roommates had had with other, differently themed posters.

"Everybody liked the Miller Lite poster and the Bud Dry neon sign, and they did in fact seem to be effective in facilitating a bar-like, drinking-oriented dorm interior," Beem said.

"Similarly encouraging results seemed evident after our decision to display our 'Rockin' USA' poster (depicting a guitar rocketing into the air with an American flag in the background)," Beem continued, noting that the poster had indeed made the place seem overall more "rockin'."

"Unfortunately, the technique does not seem to have any effect on glamorous, product-endorsing models," Beem said. "In fact, the only effect of the posters so far has been that we get real horned up when we look at them. Jesus Christ Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man!"

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