Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room

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Vol 30 Issue 07

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who saved an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist." Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-unconscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, giver of Life."

Infomercial Host Skeptical At First, Then Delighted By Product

LOS ANGELES—After several minutes of heavy skepticism, television star and compensated product endorser Tom Wopat was won over by the DeFroster 2000, a revolutionary new device that defrosts frozen foods in literally seconds. "It's impossible," a disbelieving Wopat said after hearing about the remarkable product, available through an exclusive television offer for $24.99. "Why, this steak is frozen solid." Moments later, Wopat broke out in astonished laughter as the DeFroster 2000 proved him wrong. Wopat added that he is available for work.

Singer Cites Girlfriend As Reason He Lives, Dies, Breaks Down, Cries

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a song recently recorded by aspiring country singer Colin Barnett, longtime girlfriend Lori Sue Jennings is the reason he lives, dies, breaks down and cries. "Ooh... Lori Sue...," the song stated, "you're the reason I live, you're the reason I die, you're the reason that each night I fall and break down and cry." Reportedly, in addition to reducing Barnett to tears, Jennings is the woman without whom there is no him. It is widely believed that Jennings has such a tremendous effect on Barnett because she is all he's got in this world.

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

The Great Wal-Mart of China

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

How We Made It Through The Great Recession

The year was 1987, a time I'll never forget. The country was in the grips of the Great Recession, the worst economic crisis my generation had ever known. In October of that year, the bottom fell out of the market, tumbling a record 508 points in a single day. Back then I was green as hell, working with discretionary accounts at Tanner & Reamish with little more to show for myself than an office overlooking Wall Street and a few hundred thou in convertible securities. But I found out real quick what life was like back in '87.

I Despise Our Local Weather Coverage

I can no longer tolerate our local weather coverage. I turn on the Channel 7 news at 5, and for the first 20 minutes I get wonderful, beaming smiles and perfect hairdos on news anchors who banter back and forth amidst features that stress the hominess of our ABC affiliate. Some nights I'm so touched by the KidCares feature that I break down and cry in my TV dinner. I just can't get enough of those anchors!
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Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room

BRAMP, KS—A trio of posters depicting scantily clad women, hung recently in a Bramp State University dorm room, have been found to have "little to no effect" in facilitating the presence of actual naked women in that room, a Bramp State housing department study reports.

Thus far, Bramp State freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to Selham Hall West room 508.

The posters, manufactured by alcoholic beverage companies as promotional items, were intended to establish a fun, party-like atmosphere, in which the presence of naked women would be suggested and encouraged. But their actual effect was "minimal if not entirely nonexistent," the study's findings indicate.

"The thinking was that these posters would set a tone," freshman Chad Drubham said. "We enjoy beer here in Selham Hall West room 508, and we share an equally enthusiastic interest in naked women. We thought that by combining these two elements, these posters would establish not only a mood of beer-drinking fun, but also one of casual female nudity or semi-nudity."

"Our idea was to create an environment in which nude or semi-nude women would find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also just being naked," Drubham added. "We also sort of hoped that they might have sex with us."

"None of these things have happened," Drubham added. "It would appear that our conclusions were completely unfounded."

The housing department report, compiled over the course of three weeks spent monitoring the dorm room and its immediate surroundings, categorically concluded that "there exists no measurable cause-and-effect relationship between the presence of the naked-women posters and the willingness of non-photographic human women to appear naked in or near that location."

The study went on to report no notable relationship between the number of naked women in the room before and after the decision to acquire the posters, other than the fact that in both cases the number was zero.

"I can't understand it," roommate and management studies major Kurt Beem said. "We had it all planned out. I just can't see where we went wrong. Perhaps we need to know more about women in general, clothed and unclothed alike, before we can accurately affect and predict the behavior of the nude ones, specifically."

In a surprising side note, the report did find the posters to have a marked impact on alcohol purchase, causing a notable rise in consumption of the product lines the posters advertised, and an upswing of as much as 35 percent in the case of the wine cooler that sponsored the largest-breasted model's photo.

One reason for the initial enthusiasm in the posters project was the earlier success the roommates had had with other, differently themed posters.

"Everybody liked the Miller Lite poster and the Bud Dry neon sign, and they did in fact seem to be effective in facilitating a bar-like, drinking-oriented dorm interior," Beem said.

"Similarly encouraging results seemed evident after our decision to display our 'Rockin' USA' poster (depicting a guitar rocketing into the air with an American flag in the background)," Beem continued, noting that the poster had indeed made the place seem overall more "rockin'."

"Unfortunately, the technique does not seem to have any effect on glamorous, product-endorsing models," Beem said. "In fact, the only effect of the posters so far has been that we get real horned up when we look at them. Jesus Christ Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man!"

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