adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

BRAMP, KS—A trio of posters depicting scantily clad women, hung recently in a Bramp State University dorm room, have been found to have "little to no effect" in facilitating the presence of actual naked women in that room, a Bramp State housing department study reports.

Thus far, Bramp State freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to Selham Hall West room 508.

The posters, manufactured by alcoholic beverage companies as promotional items, were intended to establish a fun, party-like atmosphere, in which the presence of naked women would be suggested and encouraged. But their actual effect was "minimal if not entirely nonexistent," the study's findings indicate.

"The thinking was that these posters would set a tone," freshman Chad Drubham said. "We enjoy beer here in Selham Hall West room 508, and we share an equally enthusiastic interest in naked women. We thought that by combining these two elements, these posters would establish not only a mood of beer-drinking fun, but also one of casual female nudity or semi-nudity."

"Our idea was to create an environment in which nude or semi-nude women would find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also just being naked," Drubham added. "We also sort of hoped that they might have sex with us."

"None of these things have happened," Drubham added. "It would appear that our conclusions were completely unfounded."

The housing department report, compiled over the course of three weeks spent monitoring the dorm room and its immediate surroundings, categorically concluded that "there exists no measurable cause-and-effect relationship between the presence of the naked-women posters and the willingness of non-photographic human women to appear naked in or near that location."

The study went on to report no notable relationship between the number of naked women in the room before and after the decision to acquire the posters, other than the fact that in both cases the number was zero.

"I can't understand it," roommate and management studies major Kurt Beem said. "We had it all planned out. I just can't see where we went wrong. Perhaps we need to know more about women in general, clothed and unclothed alike, before we can accurately affect and predict the behavior of the nude ones, specifically."

In a surprising side note, the report did find the posters to have a marked impact on alcohol purchase, causing a notable rise in consumption of the product lines the posters advertised, and an upswing of as much as 35 percent in the case of the wine cooler that sponsored the largest-breasted model's photo.

One reason for the initial enthusiasm in the posters project was the earlier success the roommates had had with other, differently themed posters.

"Everybody liked the Miller Lite poster and the Bud Dry neon sign, and they did in fact seem to be effective in facilitating a bar-like, drinking-oriented dorm interior," Beem said.

"Similarly encouraging results seemed evident after our decision to display our 'Rockin' USA' poster (depicting a guitar rocketing into the air with an American flag in the background)," Beem continued, noting that the poster had indeed made the place seem overall more "rockin'."

"Unfortunately, the technique does not seem to have any effect on glamorous, product-endorsing models," Beem said. "In fact, the only effect of the posters so far has been that we get real horned up when we look at them. Jesus Christ Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close