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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Postmaster General Loses Laptop; Zip-Code Data Of Millions At Risk

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Postal Service has confirmed that a laptop computer issued to Postmaster General John Potter and containing the zip-code information of over 280 million Americans was allegedly left in a taxicab Monday evening. "I sincerely regret that my carelessness has made precious five- and nine-digit codes, which are vital for U.S. information delivery, potentially vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals who would do us harm," Potter said in a televised press conference Tuesday, during which he also announced his resignation. "I have failed the president, the Postal Service, and you, the American people, by not securely safeguarding this sensitive data, which pertains to the current locations of literally hundreds of millions of U.S. citizens. I have no choice but to step down, effective immediately." Officials refused to elaborate on the extent of the information leak, but did not rule out the possibility that everyone in the U.S. might have to move.

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