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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Postmaster General Loses Laptop; Zip-Code Data Of Millions At Risk

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Postal Service has confirmed that a laptop computer issued to Postmaster General John Potter and containing the zip-code information of over 280 million Americans was allegedly left in a taxicab Monday evening. "I sincerely regret that my carelessness has made precious five- and nine-digit codes, which are vital for U.S. information delivery, potentially vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals who would do us harm," Potter said in a televised press conference Tuesday, during which he also announced his resignation. "I have failed the president, the Postal Service, and you, the American people, by not securely safeguarding this sensitive data, which pertains to the current locations of literally hundreds of millions of U.S. citizens. I have no choice but to step down, effective immediately." Officials refused to elaborate on the extent of the information leak, but did not rule out the possibility that everyone in the U.S. might have to move.

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