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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Potato-Faced Youngster Lauded For Memorizing Primitive 26-Character Alphabet

PHOENIX—Christopher Pierson, a glassy-eyed, slothful lump of a child who still watches cartoons despite being tall enough to reach a polymer-injection molding station, was endlessly praised Monday for recalling the scant 26 letters in the American alphabet.

Pierson reportedly rattled off the short series of guttural vowels and lumbering, artless consonants after 10 minutes of prompting, a feat that—judging from his overly indulgent teacher's reaction—must rival the great triumph of launching a satellite into orbit. Though witnesses said the unremarkable 4-year-old may also have slurred the letters "L" through "O" into one continuous stream of nonsense, he somehow avoided immediate expulsion and reassignment to a rural millet farm.

"Good job, Christopher!" said teacher Heather Warner, lauding the child for his meager and wholly meritless accomplishment. "You can go play with your blocks now."

Warner then gave the boy a star-shaped sticker, explaining that he had learned the unsophisticated system of characters containing no ideogrammic compounds or transformed cognates more quickly than she'd expected.

Although no carbon monoxide leaks were reported in the school building, Pierson was later witnessed to lie down on the floor of his classroom, where he, along with 23 other woefully inadequate children, fell temporarily asleep.鱼

After Birth

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