adBlockCheck

Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

Just moments earlier, these passive and complacent workers were talking about setting fire to their office.
Just moments earlier, these passive and complacent workers were talking about setting fire to their office.

NEW YORK—A massive employee backlash over low wages and increased workload was narrowly averted this week when company management arranged to have eight large pizzas delivered to the design firm Cobalt Media, instantly quelling months of mounting resentment and dissatisfaction.

The pizzas—topped with pepperoni, mushroom, and extra cheese—effectively cooled down the angry mob, which had reportedly reached its boiling point. According to Cobalt sources, the free Italian pies arrived approximately 20 minutes after a company-wide e-mail detailing upcoming cutbacks was sent out late Friday morning.

"Everyone's been fed up and ready to explode at management for weeks," production designer Carolyn Wurster said. "But then all those pizzas showed up, and it just didn't seem like the right time to start demanding a legitimate healthcare plan or salary raises that reflect the amount of work we do."

Added Wurster, "They ordered like 10 huge pies."

Purchased from nearby restaurant chain Antonio's, the complimentary pizzas had an acute calming effect on the tense office environment within minutes. Heated discussions about managerial incompetence were quickly replaced with friendly banter about favorite junk foods, while angry rumblings over a series of unexplained layoffs were supplanted by conversations about upcoming weekend plans.

A number of Cobalt employees still committed to protesting with a possible work stoppage were silenced upon seeing that, in addition to the tasty pizzas, a two-liter bottle of Pepsi had also been supplied.

"Almost every day I think about quitting and never coming back," said Michael Schappel, whose duties often require him to work on weekends for no additional pay. "However, seeing those pizzas, it made me wonder if I hadn't been too hard on management."

Frustrated employees carefully outlined all of their complaints in this passionate and convincing document.

"At least the garlic knots showed they were thinking about us," Schappel continued.

Besides suppressing the overwhelming office acrimony, the pizzas appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and slightly fatigued. Art director Craig Warren, who was seen just two hours earlier pacing back and forth in anger, skulked quietly back to his desk after consuming four slices of sausage and ham; and receptionist Margaret Doyle reportedly forgot all about a meeting she had scheduled with Cobalt supervisors to discuss her dismay over being denied maternity leave.

"We were going to hand in a petition giving management an ultimatum, but it's not like the whole thing can't wait until next week," project coordinator Phillip Beinart said. "I don't have much time to finish the drawings for our newest account—especially after taking that extra-long lunch break."

Cobalt upper management has successfully tempered employee hostility in the past. In 2006, growing resentment over the lack of a 401(k) plan was successfully allayed by a surprise order of gourmet cupcakes. And in 2007, a $25 gift certificate to an online novelty store effectively convinced employees that converting storage closets into offices and sharing them with three coworkers was not as bad as they had initially thought.

While no measurable improvements have been observed since the free lunch, Cobalt employees said they believe the pizzas—particularly the more expensive Hawaiian-style pies—signaled an important turnaround in management philosophy, and could eventually lead to more substantial changes.

"Today, they give us free pizza, but a month from now it might be those new computers they've been promising, or even those vacation days they took away a couple of years ago," veteran designer Chuck Meyer said. "Or maybe it's more free pizza, which would be pretty good, too."

Cobalt president Robert Weinblatt, who is based at the company's headquarters in Chicago, said ordering the pizzas was the right thing to do.

"After hearing that our staff was so unhappy, I wanted to make it clear to everyone how much our workers mean to us," Weinblatt said. "Also, Antonio's Pizzeria is one of our clients, so it didn't cost the company a dime."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close