adBlockCheck

Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda

Top Headlines

Politics

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda

FAIRFAX, VA—After nearly 150 years spent unapologetically advocating for a single, unifying issue, the National Rifle Association—one of the nation's most influential special interest groups—momentarily blanked on its entire political agenda Monday. "I am here to tell you today that we really, really care about this subject, and that we'd probably be willing to die for it. Is it abortion? No, that's not it," spokesman Michael Loomis said during a rally held at the NRA headquarters firing range. "I am totally blanking here. It's, 'Something, something, cold dead hand,' right? Gah! It's on the tip of my tongue!" The NRA's memory lapse comes on the heels of last week's PETA march on Washington, during which the organization was briefly unable to recall its stance on the ruthless murder of helpless animals for their fur.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close