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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda

FAIRFAX, VA—After nearly 150 years spent unapologetically advocating for a single, unifying issue, the National Rifle Association—one of the nation's most influential special interest groups—momentarily blanked on its entire political agenda Monday. "I am here to tell you today that we really, really care about this subject, and that we'd probably be willing to die for it. Is it abortion? No, that's not it," spokesman Michael Loomis said during a rally held at the NRA headquarters firing range. "I am totally blanking here. It's, 'Something, something, cold dead hand,' right? Gah! It's on the tip of my tongue!" The NRA's memory lapse comes on the heels of last week's PETA march on Washington, during which the organization was briefly unable to recall its stance on the ruthless murder of helpless animals for their fur.

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