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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them

NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them. “Tell me: What good is it knowing every team’s biggest hot-stove free-agent targets if I can do nothing to help acquire them?” said Olney, adding that while he can so clearly see which clubs need power hitting, a better starting rotation, or more outfield depth, he is but a helpless bystander, unable to actually deliver real changes to any starting lineup. “Only the Padres can improve their power hitting, and only the Astros can bolster their bullpen. As much as I may want to, I cannot do it for them. Still, though, when I know that without a major upgrade at center field by signing the likes of Denard Span, the Brewers are doomed to finish no higher than fourth place in the NL Central, I feel so utterly helpless. This foresight is no gift—it’s a curse.” Olney went on to say that, despite the urge to step in, he must only watch general managers across the league and simply hope they can do what is necessary to put their teams in playoff contention.

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