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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them

NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them. “Tell me: What good is it knowing every team’s biggest hot-stove free-agent targets if I can do nothing to help acquire them?” said Olney, adding that while he can so clearly see which clubs need power hitting, a better starting rotation, or more outfield depth, he is but a helpless bystander, unable to actually deliver real changes to any starting lineup. “Only the Padres can improve their power hitting, and only the Astros can bolster their bullpen. As much as I may want to, I cannot do it for them. Still, though, when I know that without a major upgrade at center field by signing the likes of Denard Span, the Brewers are doomed to finish no higher than fourth place in the NL Central, I feel so utterly helpless. This foresight is no gift—it’s a curse.” Olney went on to say that, despite the urge to step in, he must only watch general managers across the league and simply hope they can do what is necessary to put their teams in playoff contention.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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