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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them

NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them. “Tell me: What good is it knowing every team’s biggest hot-stove free-agent targets if I can do nothing to help acquire them?” said Olney, adding that while he can so clearly see which clubs need power hitting, a better starting rotation, or more outfield depth, he is but a helpless bystander, unable to actually deliver real changes to any starting lineup. “Only the Padres can improve their power hitting, and only the Astros can bolster their bullpen. As much as I may want to, I cannot do it for them. Still, though, when I know that without a major upgrade at center field by signing the likes of Denard Span, the Brewers are doomed to finish no higher than fourth place in the NL Central, I feel so utterly helpless. This foresight is no gift—it’s a curse.” Olney went on to say that, despite the urge to step in, he must only watch general managers across the league and simply hope they can do what is necessary to put their teams in playoff contention.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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