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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe

KATY, TX—A man in danger of losing his home had his prayers coincidentally answered Tuesday by the haphazard machinations of an indifferent and entirely random universe. Marvin Pewter, 45, was able to refinance his house after a radio station in Sioux Falls, SD played the favorite song of a local data-entry worker who, quietly singing along to the tune in her office, became distracted and missed a keystroke that eventually resulted in Pewter's credit rating increasing by 200 points. "Thank God," said Pewter, speaking to reporters from the large ranch-style home he purchased four years ago and has never been able to afford. "This just goes to show that, if you put your faith in the Lord, the Lord will provide." At press time, when gale-force winds had leveled his house and swept away all his possessions, Pewter put the blame on atmospheric conditions off the Gulf Coast and declined comment on whether God was punishing him for his hubris.

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