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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe

KATY, TX—A man in danger of losing his home had his prayers coincidentally answered Tuesday by the haphazard machinations of an indifferent and entirely random universe. Marvin Pewter, 45, was able to refinance his house after a radio station in Sioux Falls, SD played the favorite song of a local data-entry worker who, quietly singing along to the tune in her office, became distracted and missed a keystroke that eventually resulted in Pewter's credit rating increasing by 200 points. "Thank God," said Pewter, speaking to reporters from the large ranch-style home he purchased four years ago and has never been able to afford. "This just goes to show that, if you put your faith in the Lord, the Lord will provide." At press time, when gale-force winds had leveled his house and swept away all his possessions, Pewter put the blame on atmospheric conditions off the Gulf Coast and declined comment on whether God was punishing him for his hubris.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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