adBlockCheck

Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life

LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ—Since reading The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies last month, 6-year-old Melody Johnson has lived a changed life, the above-average reader reported Monday.

Johnson reviews an underlined passage in her copy of <i>The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies</i> (below).

"The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies is my favoritest book ever," said Johnson, hugging the dog-eared book to her chest with both arms. "The Berenstain Bears taught me about not being greedy. I used to have the 'galloping greedy gimmies,' but not anymore."

Johnson received the life-altering 32-page book, one in a series of more than 50 written and illustrated by Stan and Jan Berenstain, as a gift from her grandmother.

"Gramma Gloria gave me this book," Johnson said. "I used to go to the store with Mommy and want more and more. Now, I pick out one thing I really, really like."

"I know lots of stuff I didn't ever know before," added Johnson, who first began reading at age 3 and three-quarters. "You can ask Mommy or Daddy or anyone at school."

While she still looks at Get The Gimmies "every single day," Johnson asked her parents to buy her more books from the Berenstain series.

"I used to really like Clifford [The Big Red Dog] books," Johnson said. "I guess they're still good, sorta, but the Berenstain Bears are the best. I like the way the bears look, especially their noses."

Delighted by the positive influence of Get The Gimmies, Johnson's parents purchased their daughter 14 more books from the series.

Berenstain Bears Book

"These books really speak to Melody," said Johnson's father Gordon. "We overheard Melody calling her brother's room a 'dust-catching, wall-to-wall, helter-skelter mess.' That's from The Berenstain Bears And The Messy. Melody's very bright for her age, you know."

"'You can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess,'" Johnson recited. "I mesmerized [sic] that part, so I wouldn't forget it."

Johnson frequently offers others snippets of the Bears' wisdom.

"I was playing in the sandbox the other day," Johnson said. "Spencer was making fun of Kate's dress. I remembered when Brother Bear learned his lesson in Too Much Teasing. Brother thought it was fun to tease, until someone teased him. Then it was no fun."

"I told Spencer he should read Too Much Teasing, and then he wouldn't tease anymore," Melody said. "But he just called me a rotten egg. I tried to give the book to him so he could borrow it. But he wouldn't take it. It's a good book. It's funny, and it'd teach him a lesson."

Some of Melody's other friends have been more receptive to her testimonials about the life-changing power of the Berenstain Bears. Best friend Angie Bishop started reading the books after Johnson recommended them at a recent sleepover.

"I read Get The Gimmies as soon as Melody told me about it, and I really liked it," Bishop said. "I went to the library and got lots of other ones, too. I've been reading them all week. My favorites are The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners and The Berenstain Bears Visit The Dentist. Others are super good, too."

Added Bishop: "Melody found them first. But I think I understand them a little better. I'm like Sister Bear. She says something and I think, 'That's what I would say.'"

Johnson, who has been reading above her grade level for the past two years, does not view reading as a contest.

"I'm happy to have the books," said Johnson, who reports she used to take things she was given for granted, but no longer. "Like in Count Their Blessings. There [are] lots of good things that you want to happen, but you probably already have a lot of good things, so remember to be happy about those. That is just so true."

Johnson's mother agreed that her daughter's outlook has changed for the better.

"Not only has she learned a lot of life lessons, but she also learned to ride a bike without training wheels," Carrie Johnson said. "She never fights nap-time anymore, and she's making great strides with her violin playing. I haven't seen her this inspired since last year, when she was blown away by getting to shake hands with the Three Little Pigs at Storybook Gardens."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close