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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married

LOS ANGELES—During an announcement that she was pregnant with the couple’s first child, Danielle Jonas confirmed Wednesday that she was still not entirely sure which of the Jonas Brothers she had married. “The one with the curly hair…that’s Joe, right? Or is it Nick?” said the 25-year-old, who wondered aloud if she had possibly wed “Kellen” [sic] Jonas in 2009. “Honestly, I don’t know. When all three of them are together, I can’t really tell them apart, but I’m definitely having a baby with one of them.” At press time, a still unsure Danielle Jonas told reporters she would ask her 10-year-old niece because “she’s really into the Jonas Brothers.”

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