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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married

LOS ANGELES—During an announcement that she was pregnant with the couple’s first child, Danielle Jonas confirmed Wednesday that she was still not entirely sure which of the Jonas Brothers she had married. “The one with the curly hair…that’s Joe, right? Or is it Nick?” said the 25-year-old, who wondered aloud if she had possibly wed “Kellen” [sic] Jonas in 2009. “Honestly, I don’t know. When all three of them are together, I can’t really tell them apart, but I’m definitely having a baby with one of them.” At press time, a still unsure Danielle Jonas told reporters she would ask her 10-year-old niece because “she’s really into the Jonas Brothers.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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