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Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married

LOS ANGELES—During an announcement that she was pregnant with the couple’s first child, Danielle Jonas confirmed Wednesday that she was still not entirely sure which of the Jonas Brothers she had married. “The one with the curly hair…that’s Joe, right? Or is it Nick?” said the 25-year-old, who wondered aloud if she had possibly wed “Kellen” [sic] Jonas in 2009. “Honestly, I don’t know. When all three of them are together, I can’t really tell them apart, but I’m definitely having a baby with one of them.” At press time, a still unsure Danielle Jonas told reporters she would ask her 10-year-old niece because “she’s really into the Jonas Brothers.”

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