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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday.

Glennon opens a bunch of baby crap at the baby shower everyone had to go to.

"Amy thinks she's Big Miss Important," DeGrassio said Monday. "She's behaving like a total priss. It's like, 'Ooh, look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby!' Hey, calm down. People have babies all the time."

DeGrassio and Glennon have worked together at Calendarz for three years. In spite of the proximity of their workstations, the two have found few common interests. According to DeGrassio, Glennon's way of "walking around like she's a member of the founding board of Calendarz" ever since she got pregnant has not brought the two any closer together.

"Amy goes on and on about food now," DeGrassio said. "She's all hung up on folic acid or something. I told her, 'Hey, if you lose this one, it's not like you can't make another one.' C'mon, it's a joke. Lighten up."

DeGrassio also expressed annoyance over the special treatment Glennon has received ever since she proved her ability to lay on her back and get nailed.

"Last week, she asked me to get some food out of the fridge for her," DeGrassio said. "She said she didn't want to have to bend down to dig in the bottom drawer. Please! When I sprained my ankle, I didn't have people wait on me hand and foot. Christ, what a joke."

Glennon has updated coworkers on every stage of her pregnancy and provided them with full reports on each of her visits to the obstetrician, because that's exactly the sort of thing people are interested in hearing about when they're trying to sell some goddamn calendars.

"So she had an ultrasound," DeGrassio said. "Big whoop. It's a non-invasive medical procedure. I could get one if I wanted, and I'm not even a lady. It's just a black-and-white smear, and she's got it pinned up there like it's a goddamned Sears Christmas portrait."

Of course, Glennon had a baby shower last week and everyone in the office was invited—how gracious of her.

"Her friends sold the baby shower so hard," DeGrassio said. "They were all like, 'We play games and open presents'—as if I don't know what a shower is. I'll tell you what it is: four hours of chattering and cooing over stuff from Target. I always give the same gift when I go to one: a pair of overalls. But everyone acts like it's the Bicentennial fireworks display."

As the blessed event approaches, DeGrassio admitted that he's having a hard time playing along when Her Royal Highness makes him feel the baby.

"Every time that thing moves, Amy freaks out," DeGrassio said. "She came up to me the other day, grabbed my hand, and put it on her stomach. She kept asking me if I could feel it kick. Does the baby get to feel me kick? I'm sorry, that was too much, but this is making me crazy."

DeGrassio said that, while he understands why the pregnancy might be exciting for Glennon, he looks forward to the day when the baby is finally born, already.

"Her due date is April 23, and it can't come fast enough," DeGrassio said. "Of course, once the damn kid finally pops out, I'll have to sit through all the stories about breastfeeding and its first steps. I guess the only way I'm ever going to get a word in edgewise at this office is if I knock up some skank."

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