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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday.

Glennon opens a bunch of baby crap at the baby shower everyone had to go to.

"Amy thinks she's Big Miss Important," DeGrassio said Monday. "She's behaving like a total priss. It's like, 'Ooh, look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby!' Hey, calm down. People have babies all the time."

DeGrassio and Glennon have worked together at Calendarz for three years. In spite of the proximity of their workstations, the two have found few common interests. According to DeGrassio, Glennon's way of "walking around like she's a member of the founding board of Calendarz" ever since she got pregnant has not brought the two any closer together.

"Amy goes on and on about food now," DeGrassio said. "She's all hung up on folic acid or something. I told her, 'Hey, if you lose this one, it's not like you can't make another one.' C'mon, it's a joke. Lighten up."

DeGrassio also expressed annoyance over the special treatment Glennon has received ever since she proved her ability to lay on her back and get nailed.

"Last week, she asked me to get some food out of the fridge for her," DeGrassio said. "She said she didn't want to have to bend down to dig in the bottom drawer. Please! When I sprained my ankle, I didn't have people wait on me hand and foot. Christ, what a joke."

Glennon has updated coworkers on every stage of her pregnancy and provided them with full reports on each of her visits to the obstetrician, because that's exactly the sort of thing people are interested in hearing about when they're trying to sell some goddamn calendars.

"So she had an ultrasound," DeGrassio said. "Big whoop. It's a non-invasive medical procedure. I could get one if I wanted, and I'm not even a lady. It's just a black-and-white smear, and she's got it pinned up there like it's a goddamned Sears Christmas portrait."

Of course, Glennon had a baby shower last week and everyone in the office was invited—how gracious of her.

"Her friends sold the baby shower so hard," DeGrassio said. "They were all like, 'We play games and open presents'—as if I don't know what a shower is. I'll tell you what it is: four hours of chattering and cooing over stuff from Target. I always give the same gift when I go to one: a pair of overalls. But everyone acts like it's the Bicentennial fireworks display."

As the blessed event approaches, DeGrassio admitted that he's having a hard time playing along when Her Royal Highness makes him feel the baby.

"Every time that thing moves, Amy freaks out," DeGrassio said. "She came up to me the other day, grabbed my hand, and put it on her stomach. She kept asking me if I could feel it kick. Does the baby get to feel me kick? I'm sorry, that was too much, but this is making me crazy."

DeGrassio said that, while he understands why the pregnancy might be exciting for Glennon, he looks forward to the day when the baby is finally born, already.

"Her due date is April 23, and it can't come fast enough," DeGrassio said. "Of course, once the damn kid finally pops out, I'll have to sit through all the stories about breastfeeding and its first steps. I guess the only way I'm ever going to get a word in edgewise at this office is if I knock up some skank."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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